This is a funny look at life with simians, life in Delhi and bureaucracy. No offence meant to Animal rights activists, self important bureaucrats and the Delhi Police.
Dear Reader,
I am the Langur Contractor in Lutyens’ Delhi. Before you ask me what is a Langur Contractor, let me explain. By some accident of history, after the British built the new capital in Delhi, they couldn’t rid the place of all the simians hopping around sand stone buildings. Much before animal rights activists achieved TV space, newspaper space and political clout, the problem was easy to solve by some plain old-fashioned genocide of the monkeys. Goes like this - Call the monkey catchers, trap them and kill them, burn them or bury them….or call the monkey catchers, trap them and take them away, ask no questions, see no evil. Somehow in those days they weren’t quite sure which Ministry would be administratively responsible for tackling the monkey menace. The famous Indian bureaucratese ran into several reams of light green note sheets in various govt bodies, from Municipal Corporation, NDMC, Delhi Zoo, Police Dept and the archeological survey of India where officials endorsed their views in strong terms peppered with precedents, constitutional provisions and settled law. Still a solution evaded them. They never got as far as to decide who would be responsible for ridding Lutyens Delhi of its’ monkeys. Meanwhile animal lovers like Blue cross and Maneka Gandhi grew in stature and old-fashioned solutions to eliminate monkeys became …. Well… just that ; old fashioned. Well-heeled high society women with plucked eyebrows and painted lips started holding forth on compassion to monkeys trapped in the urban jungle and the need to sterilize them after giving painless anesthesia to prevent further breeding. Thereon the solutions grew more complex and more expensive.
Meanwhile the monkeys had the run of the place. They were worshipped on Tuesdays and harassed sometimes. Generally they were ignored by all except the occasional child or the amused white skinned tourists who can’t get away from the fact that man and his original ancestor coexist in the corridors of power in Delhi. The key to co existence of mankind with monkeys is simple. Follow one dictum- don’t stare at the eyes of the monkeys. Occasionally the monkeys would launch attacks on unsuspecting bureaucrats who then, have to undergo several injections in their stomach and medical leave to recover.
My job is simple. Langurs (the black faced monkey) are the natural enemies of red-faced monkeys. I am the keeper of Ramu, my Langur from Jabalpur. Ramu is a friend and a pet in loose captivity. He eats, drinks and sleeps with me. I see people clicking photographs when they see Ramu riding pillion on my bike with his back pressed against mine and facing the other side. It is a magnificent sight. I parade Ramu along the corridors of the two large buildings, the North Block and South Block, straddling the house of the President of India. . As I walk with Ramu along those grand but ill maintained & stinking corridors, all the simians disappear just like that…. Kaput… gone. I needn’t do much. For that reason alone, mine is one of the most fulfilling careers in Govt. You get to see the fruits of your labour instantly. The monkeys run for their lives at the sight of Ramu and seek refuge outside the building. After several years of racking brains to tackle the monkey menace, an IAS Officer with IIT/IIM qualifications dreamed up this temporary solution of just rattling the monkeys by parading Langurs. Sure put his first class education to some good use. The solution was simple, crude, effective and kept the monkeys at bay without annoying the animal rights activists. It wasn’t expensive like the wooly headed schemes of the Blue cross ladies either.
As for my career, I couldn’t ask for anything better. I enjoy flexible working hours. No political interference, no market interventions, no changes in policy by overenthusiastic government officials, no pressure to improve performance by adopting fancy 6 sigma models and all that crap. In times when several BPO firms and garment exporters are folding up due to increased exchange rates and entry of new players into the market, we ( I and Ramu) operate in a monopolistic market. There is no pressure to reduce my remuneration, which I’d rather not reveal for fear that many well-paid Govt Officials like Directors, and Joint Secretaries in the Govt might aspire to take over my job and inject competition. Govt is not contemplating the creation of a permanent post of Langur operator in Delhi. Think of the problems… It is a single post. They’d be saddled with problems of drawing up recruitment rules, reservation of post to OBCs/STs/STs, mandatory Hindi training, answering questions from Parliamentary committees regarding lack of promotional avenues for Langur keepers and all that shit. Who knows; animal rights activists will demand posts in Govt to maintain audit and oversight mechanism on the unbridled functioning of Langur keepers. There could be representations from Langur keepers to upgrade their posts equivalent to Group A & IAS services and redesignate the post to Langur Managers since it is a niche competence requiring specialized skills. Alternatively pay scales similar to that of Air India Pilots could be demanded. So a contract it is, albeit a permanent one, till kingdom come.
II was born in Jabalpur and lived near a temple. I studied upto 5th standard. Ramu became my friend ever since I rescued him from annihilation in the Great War between the reds and blacks. If you didn’t know the history of the animal kingdom in middle India, let me explain. The red faced and black-faced simians had a raging war in the jungles of Jabalpur. Both sides took heavy causalities. It is the equivalent of the first world war of humans before the invention of penicillin, in which many lives were lost and many children were orphaned. The baby Langur Ramu took shelter in my house and I raised him on bananas and nuts. When I dropped out of school, it was my uncle who lived in Delhi that proposed this idea of embarking on a career scaring away the monkeys from Lutyens’ Delhi. In any case I had become the object of derision in local circles as the Langur boy. So we embarked on a long journey hitchhiking on trucks with ‘Jai Mata Di’ , ‘Bure Nazar Wale Tera Munh kala’, ‘OK TATA’ and ‘Sound Horn’ painted on the rear and went to Delhi carrying goods. We got rides from amused drivers and cleaners of trucks. We traveled the nights and took rest during days. Drivers would take breaks for country liquor and other assorted entertainment in roadside brothels and Dhabas. I managed to feed Ramu in local eateries where lot of attraction would be drawn to him. I even contemplated on terminating the journey to Delhi and opening a traveling road show. In border check posts we had to alight and take a detour to catch the truck from the other side. Often this takes hours since the drivers had to subject their goods for checking, produce elaborate documentation and bribe the check post officials.
Finally we reached Delhi. I sneaked into my uncle’s house in the wee hours of the morning. The neighbours spotted Ramu and complained to the local police station about the presence of a monkey in the neighbourhood and that their children are in danger. Constable Ramlal visited my uncle, drank tea, ate three samosas, which were hurriedly obtained from the nearby teashop and collected Rs 300 from me. He suggested in conclusion that I ought to find another place to keep the Langur. Another place? Like where? The zoo, he replied. I was driven from the concrete jungle of Delhi into the villages adjoining Palam Village where the neighbours considered the Langur a friendlier neighbour than many two legged ones. I set up a home; Ramu and I. Soon we went to Lutyens’ Delhi and negotiated the terms of the contract to parade Langur with a sardarji in the administrative Dept in South Block who was rather serious about the proposed solution and not one bit amused or cynical as some other guys tend to be. Since I couldn’t take Ramu by public transport, I had to shell out a huge amount on three wheelers. I bought a motorbike on installment basis and now carry Ramu back to back to Office. It is a great sight in Delhi traffic. Some days when the humourless Delhi traffic police detain me for carrying a Langur I just call up South Block and announce that I am not coming because the traffic cops have detained me. Frantic calls would go to the DGP, Police Commissioner and other big wigs who travel in ambassador cars with white frilled curtains in the back windows about how work in the higher echelons of Govt has come to a grinding halt because of monkey menace. I would be released immediately.
Hence here I am serving the Indian Govt’s highest body on contract basis. My job fetches results instantly in govt., which is notorious for poor outcomes on spending. Once when the Accounts clerk in the administrative establishment delayed passing the bill, in protest, I went away with Ramu back home to Jabalpur. Monkeys became aggressive in Delhi with their newfound freedom. Finally, they sent a clerk on official duty to Jabalpur to cajole me into rejoining duties. The errant Accounts clerk had to apologize to me. They never dared to delay my payment again. I have heard that the Govt has greatly messed up concepts of domain knowledge and expertise. Often, one could see experts in Milk marketing, election commission, poverty alleviation and revenue collection transformed into Policy wonks deciding telecom policy and purchasing hi- tech fighter aircrafts for the country. I was in a way born with the skills I stumbled into and it would not be easy for someone to replicate my success or acquire my domain knowledge. In a country known nototriously for throwing tax payers' money after wooly headed schemes which do not bring results, I am proud to say that money spent on my contract is every bit worth the taxpayers' bucks. Permanent solutions for containing monkey menace in Lutyens Delhi are still being contemplated; like transporting all the Delhi monkeys to jungles in Madhya Pradesh; hiding oral contraceptives in bananas and feeding them; using RFID tags to identify and track monkeys (that’s rich, in a country where even humans do not have a citizen ID card). Meanwhile I ply my trade waiting for the next big idea that may drive me out of business….
I am the Langur Contractor in Lutyens’ Delhi. Before you ask me what is a Langur Contractor, let me explain. By some accident of history, after the British built the new capital in Delhi, they couldn’t rid the place of all the simians hopping around sand stone buildings. Much before animal rights activists achieved TV space, newspaper space and political clout, the problem was easy to solve by some plain old-fashioned genocide of the monkeys. Goes like this - Call the monkey catchers, trap them and kill them, burn them or bury them….or call the monkey catchers, trap them and take them away, ask no questions, see no evil. Somehow in those days they weren’t quite sure which Ministry would be administratively responsible for tackling the monkey menace. The famous Indian bureaucratese ran into several reams of light green note sheets in various govt bodies, from Municipal Corporation, NDMC, Delhi Zoo, Police Dept and the archeological survey of India where officials endorsed their views in strong terms peppered with precedents, constitutional provisions and settled law. Still a solution evaded them. They never got as far as to decide who would be responsible for ridding Lutyens Delhi of its’ monkeys. Meanwhile animal lovers like Blue cross and Maneka Gandhi grew in stature and old-fashioned solutions to eliminate monkeys became …. Well… just that ; old fashioned. Well-heeled high society women with plucked eyebrows and painted lips started holding forth on compassion to monkeys trapped in the urban jungle and the need to sterilize them after giving painless anesthesia to prevent further breeding. Thereon the solutions grew more complex and more expensive.
Meanwhile the monkeys had the run of the place. They were worshipped on Tuesdays and harassed sometimes. Generally they were ignored by all except the occasional child or the amused white skinned tourists who can’t get away from the fact that man and his original ancestor coexist in the corridors of power in Delhi. The key to co existence of mankind with monkeys is simple. Follow one dictum- don’t stare at the eyes of the monkeys. Occasionally the monkeys would launch attacks on unsuspecting bureaucrats who then, have to undergo several injections in their stomach and medical leave to recover.
My job is simple. Langurs (the black faced monkey) are the natural enemies of red-faced monkeys. I am the keeper of Ramu, my Langur from Jabalpur. Ramu is a friend and a pet in loose captivity. He eats, drinks and sleeps with me. I see people clicking photographs when they see Ramu riding pillion on my bike with his back pressed against mine and facing the other side. It is a magnificent sight. I parade Ramu along the corridors of the two large buildings, the North Block and South Block, straddling the house of the President of India. . As I walk with Ramu along those grand but ill maintained & stinking corridors, all the simians disappear just like that…. Kaput… gone. I needn’t do much. For that reason alone, mine is one of the most fulfilling careers in Govt. You get to see the fruits of your labour instantly. The monkeys run for their lives at the sight of Ramu and seek refuge outside the building. After several years of racking brains to tackle the monkey menace, an IAS Officer with IIT/IIM qualifications dreamed up this temporary solution of just rattling the monkeys by parading Langurs. Sure put his first class education to some good use. The solution was simple, crude, effective and kept the monkeys at bay without annoying the animal rights activists. It wasn’t expensive like the wooly headed schemes of the Blue cross ladies either.
As for my career, I couldn’t ask for anything better. I enjoy flexible working hours. No political interference, no market interventions, no changes in policy by overenthusiastic government officials, no pressure to improve performance by adopting fancy 6 sigma models and all that crap. In times when several BPO firms and garment exporters are folding up due to increased exchange rates and entry of new players into the market, we ( I and Ramu) operate in a monopolistic market. There is no pressure to reduce my remuneration, which I’d rather not reveal for fear that many well-paid Govt Officials like Directors, and Joint Secretaries in the Govt might aspire to take over my job and inject competition. Govt is not contemplating the creation of a permanent post of Langur operator in Delhi. Think of the problems… It is a single post. They’d be saddled with problems of drawing up recruitment rules, reservation of post to OBCs/STs/STs, mandatory Hindi training, answering questions from Parliamentary committees regarding lack of promotional avenues for Langur keepers and all that shit. Who knows; animal rights activists will demand posts in Govt to maintain audit and oversight mechanism on the unbridled functioning of Langur keepers. There could be representations from Langur keepers to upgrade their posts equivalent to Group A & IAS services and redesignate the post to Langur Managers since it is a niche competence requiring specialized skills. Alternatively pay scales similar to that of Air India Pilots could be demanded. So a contract it is, albeit a permanent one, till kingdom come.
II was born in Jabalpur and lived near a temple. I studied upto 5th standard. Ramu became my friend ever since I rescued him from annihilation in the Great War between the reds and blacks. If you didn’t know the history of the animal kingdom in middle India, let me explain. The red faced and black-faced simians had a raging war in the jungles of Jabalpur. Both sides took heavy causalities. It is the equivalent of the first world war of humans before the invention of penicillin, in which many lives were lost and many children were orphaned. The baby Langur Ramu took shelter in my house and I raised him on bananas and nuts. When I dropped out of school, it was my uncle who lived in Delhi that proposed this idea of embarking on a career scaring away the monkeys from Lutyens’ Delhi. In any case I had become the object of derision in local circles as the Langur boy. So we embarked on a long journey hitchhiking on trucks with ‘Jai Mata Di’ , ‘Bure Nazar Wale Tera Munh kala’, ‘OK TATA’ and ‘Sound Horn’ painted on the rear and went to Delhi carrying goods. We got rides from amused drivers and cleaners of trucks. We traveled the nights and took rest during days. Drivers would take breaks for country liquor and other assorted entertainment in roadside brothels and Dhabas. I managed to feed Ramu in local eateries where lot of attraction would be drawn to him. I even contemplated on terminating the journey to Delhi and opening a traveling road show. In border check posts we had to alight and take a detour to catch the truck from the other side. Often this takes hours since the drivers had to subject their goods for checking, produce elaborate documentation and bribe the check post officials.
Finally we reached Delhi. I sneaked into my uncle’s house in the wee hours of the morning. The neighbours spotted Ramu and complained to the local police station about the presence of a monkey in the neighbourhood and that their children are in danger. Constable Ramlal visited my uncle, drank tea, ate three samosas, which were hurriedly obtained from the nearby teashop and collected Rs 300 from me. He suggested in conclusion that I ought to find another place to keep the Langur. Another place? Like where? The zoo, he replied. I was driven from the concrete jungle of Delhi into the villages adjoining Palam Village where the neighbours considered the Langur a friendlier neighbour than many two legged ones. I set up a home; Ramu and I. Soon we went to Lutyens’ Delhi and negotiated the terms of the contract to parade Langur with a sardarji in the administrative Dept in South Block who was rather serious about the proposed solution and not one bit amused or cynical as some other guys tend to be. Since I couldn’t take Ramu by public transport, I had to shell out a huge amount on three wheelers. I bought a motorbike on installment basis and now carry Ramu back to back to Office. It is a great sight in Delhi traffic. Some days when the humourless Delhi traffic police detain me for carrying a Langur I just call up South Block and announce that I am not coming because the traffic cops have detained me. Frantic calls would go to the DGP, Police Commissioner and other big wigs who travel in ambassador cars with white frilled curtains in the back windows about how work in the higher echelons of Govt has come to a grinding halt because of monkey menace. I would be released immediately.
Hence here I am serving the Indian Govt’s highest body on contract basis. My job fetches results instantly in govt., which is notorious for poor outcomes on spending. Once when the Accounts clerk in the administrative establishment delayed passing the bill, in protest, I went away with Ramu back home to Jabalpur. Monkeys became aggressive in Delhi with their newfound freedom. Finally, they sent a clerk on official duty to Jabalpur to cajole me into rejoining duties. The errant Accounts clerk had to apologize to me. They never dared to delay my payment again. I have heard that the Govt has greatly messed up concepts of domain knowledge and expertise. Often, one could see experts in Milk marketing, election commission, poverty alleviation and revenue collection transformed into Policy wonks deciding telecom policy and purchasing hi- tech fighter aircrafts for the country. I was in a way born with the skills I stumbled into and it would not be easy for someone to replicate my success or acquire my domain knowledge. In a country known nototriously for throwing tax payers' money after wooly headed schemes which do not bring results, I am proud to say that money spent on my contract is every bit worth the taxpayers' bucks. Permanent solutions for containing monkey menace in Lutyens Delhi are still being contemplated; like transporting all the Delhi monkeys to jungles in Madhya Pradesh; hiding oral contraceptives in bananas and feeding them; using RFID tags to identify and track monkeys (that’s rich, in a country where even humans do not have a citizen ID card). Meanwhile I ply my trade waiting for the next big idea that may drive me out of business….
1 comment:
http://www.tribuneindia.com/2006/20061117/cth2.htm#11
Use of langurs to tackle monkeys challenged in court
Our High Court Correspondent
Chandigarh, November 16
The chairman of the Haryana chapter of the People for Animals, Mr Naresh Kadyan, today moved the Punjab and Haryana High Court, challenging the practice by the PGI authorities to use the services of two male langurs for tackling the monkey menace on the sprawling campus.
The PGI has engaged the services of a Delhi-based person, who has two langurs, for a monthly payment of Rs 10,000 per langur, to drive away the monkeys from the PGI and Panjab University, Chandigarh. The langurs had been pressed into service following wide-spread complaints by patients, doctors and other staff of the PGI, referring to the error tactics adopted by monkeys.
In his PIL, Mr Kadyan has stated that some months ago, he and some other activists raided the PGI and caught the owner of the two langurs and handed him over to the police post, PGI. Since no action was taken and the langurs are still being used for the purpose, the petitioner added that he had now moved the High Court.
Saying that the use of langurs for the purpose was illegal, as it was violative of the provisions of the Wildlife Protection Act, as well as the Prevention of Cruelty to Animal Act, 1960, the petitioner has said that the owner of the langurs had not taken any permission from the Animal Welfare Board of India, Chennai, to use the langurs for this purpose. He also claimed that the owner of the langurs had not declared about them as was warranted under Section 63 of the Wildlife Protection Act.
The petition also says that mere driving of the monkeys from the PGI served no purpose, as the monkeys then strayed into the surrounding residential areas, causing problems to the inhabitants. It prays that directions be issued to the respondents to stop the practice immediately.
The court today issued notice of motion for February 5 to the respondents.
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