Memoirs

    I don't recollect where I saw Isher Judge Ahluwalia. Maybe in an airport or in some meeting. She carried herself with a lot of dignity.....White haired and tall. Although I knew of her work as an academic, her identity was that of an appendage..... She was the famous Montek Singh Ahluwalia's wife. And Montek was known as India's top policy maker during the UPA years and part of the team that reformed India's economy.

           Much later I started reading a series of articles penned by her on solid waste management in collaboration with Ayush Khare in the Indian Express. The subject was of deep interest to me and I found the observations therein quite interesting. One of those things that struck me was the recommendation to stop the use of compactors in our cities which reduce the volume of garbage but ends up mixing wet and dry waste. The authors emphasize the importance of waste segregation which requires deep involvement of local bodies and citizens. Although much of her work in the field of Economics was in other areas. But the past few years she was engrossed in studying the challenges of urbanisation and drawing up policy prescriptions.That's another story altogether

    She died recently after a long battle with brain cancer. The book 'Breaking through' is her memoir that she finished during the lockdown, ostensibly to enable her grandchildren understand her better. Many of my notions about this woman fell apart. I always thought of her as an 'entitled Lutyens resident'. Rubbing shoulders with the elite of Delhi society and leading a life of privilege. Apparently she came from a large, very middle class, Sikh family based in Calcutta. With sustained efforts, she did a Phd from the MIT and worked with great economists. In fact Montek's achievements pale before hers. And all this, during a time when women would not dare cross the seas for an education. She won scholarships and completed her education with very little financial support. Marriage to Montek happened and then life took twists and turns. Unusually enough, this accomplished couple decided to come back to India and raise their kids here 

    She chose to work in the field of economic policy while her husband worked in the government and achieved great heights. She always saw herself as a Hindi-medium person but believed that she had to work twice as hard to break that glass ceiling of patriarchy. She turned around ICRIER, a think tank, into a voice that the world listened to. In spite of her association with the famous Lutyens types, one could sense that she always had her feet on the ground.

   I think women ought to read this book. I suppose men too ought to......

Quiet departure

   It was a warm july day when I walked out of my workplace, putting an end to a rather  unspectacular career of 31 years.  On that big day, strangely enough, I felt nothing. I should have been overcome with emotions, felt nostalgic and ruminated about the early days at work. No, I felt nothing.  Thanks to Covid, there weren't long functions, farewell speeches etc. I still had 16 months time to go, of legitimate/left-over government  service. I didn't want to stay on. Big changes were happening at workplace and very soon I was going to be a company employee and not a civil servant. While I was ambivalent about the change in status, I neither had enough time to drive the organisational change nor be a part of the change. So the logical thing to do was to hang up one's boots and say goodbye. I was entering a period of uncertainty. 

      The days after college are normally a time of serendipity for youth of a certain vintage. A time to contemplate on the bleak, uncertain future and the scary prospect of perpetual unemployment. In our time (Oh! that term puts me squarely in the league of champion bores) the software industry wasn't offering any jobs. Most jobs in private sector for plain Arts/ science graduates were in the capacity of Pharma representatives. So the done thing was to roam around the countryside, play cards with friends under the banyan tree and generally shoot the breeze, all at parents' expense. I wan't lucky to experience that staid and peaceful bout of unemployment. I joined a public sector Bank (Indian Bank) as a Probationary Officer at the young age of 22, even before the results of the Post Graduate degree in Economics, that I was then pursuing, was declared. Most of my friends saw me as an achiever. I wasn't sure what I was getting into. I spent a long four and half years with the Bank, during which I tried to crack the civil services examinations. I spurned several other offers (including one from the RBI) I had grown to hate banking and was getting allergic to dealing with numbers all day long. A low rank in Civil Services Examination got me into the Indian Ordnance Factories Service and it was the best I could do. The Govt had imposed restrictions on number of attempts at the exams during those years. After much thought, I quit and joined the Indian Ordnance Factories as an Asst Works Manager.

    Civil servants normally do a foundation course where they meet and bond with Officers of other services. I did no such thing. I joined late and hence missed the privilege of spending time with colleagues of various services. I ended up as a technocrat in a production organisation than a bureaucrat in Govt. While working in Defence Ministry on deputation, I realised how distant the bureaucracy is from reality on the ground. As a result of this unlikely background, I had no pretensions of self-importance that civil servants normally have. Around 11 years back, something happened that led to re-consider my priorities in life. I shall not name the persona involved in this, but I felt that ultimately there is not much point in spending a lifetime focussed totally in one's career. Especially in a govt department where merit is often given the go-by.   I tried to focus on staying together with family. I learnt to play the classical guitar and am proud to have cleared the Trinity Grade 8 performance exam at the ripe old age of 56. I tried to green the environment around the work place. I took a lot of interest in the lives of sanitation workers who lead a miserable life. I think I did justice to my vocation too...I took a cool posting in Chennai because I didn't want to be in North India, separated from the Missus while she was posted down South. 

   Finally it was while I was at my most privileged and peaceful time in my life that I decided to throw away my job and retire early. It is one of those inexplicable decisions more based on instincts than on carefully thought out strategy. So here I am, with time on my hands and no place to go every day. Finally, I am enjoying that bout of unemployment that I missed when I completed college. It is a nice feeling. I intend to take a trip to my village and spend days in quiet solitude. I wanted to spend more time with Chathu, my son, but he has sort of outgrown me and is going through his existential and work crises. He has reached that stage where he feels stifled by  parents' protective and suffocating presence. The Missus is still working and she has onerous responsibilities as she grows in the hierarchy.

 I think I should be grateful for the life I had.... having met/worked with some wonderful people, lived in various parts of the country and travelled to several countries on work. I was privileged to be part of Indian delegations that visited France (several times) Korea and USA (yeah, I have been inside the Pentagon, but some friends don't believe me...).  I was also privileged to get a scholarship to pursue a one year course  at Australian National University in Canberra..... I have nothing to complain and I ought to be grateful for all that life has given me in abundance. 

       I have minor ailments. An often debilitating nuero system, diabetes and perennial back problems. I do not look forward to living with these for too long. Till then I need to see the sky every day, breathe in the early morning air,  stay calm in meditative silence, read books, play the guitar and be nice to others.... Death will come knocking one day. I shall not be found reluctant to answer that call.