A link to an interesting article that appeared in the Australian recently is given below. The columnist’s exasperation with lousy service, incoherent call centre operators speaking in a strange accent (likely to be from my motherland- India) are behind this story.
http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,,25236818-23375,00.html
I arrived as an international student to Australia two months ago. As a wide eyed third-world student, I never expected to have any problems subscribing to a telecom service. The telecom revolution is one thing which India has blundered along and got things right. Back home service in the telecom space is unrecognizable from what it was, say 5 years ago. There are several companies, Indian and foreign, with deep pockets offering a host of services. Basically there are two kinds of services. Prepaid & post paid. In postpaid you have the option of paying a larger monthly cap to talk more and talk cheaply. If you are the odd student or the driver or servant who has a mobile only to be reached, then you either have a prepaid mobile or a cheap post paid service so that your finicky Dad, uncle or employer can reach you 24/7. You don’t get to call anyone much. India prides itself in offering the cheapest mobile services in the world.
Before I reached Australia, I was told to subscribe to a certain service provider who (a) gives away a mobile free and (b) gives free calls on mobiles on the same service. Since my relatives were on the same service it made sense to subscribe to their service. I walked into their outlet and expressed my desire to become a customer. I explained that I am in Australia only for slightly less than a year’s time and hence, I will pass the free mobile offer. But put me on to your service. They said fine, no problem. Bring your proof of address. Would my passport do for identification? I asked. I explained that I am in Australia only from last week and I can’t produce proof of address. He shrugged and said sorry.
I walked to another service provider’s showroom and asked for a prepaid card. They readily sold me one. I thought I could put the SIM card in my phone and bingo, could start talking. No such luck. I tried calling- my call was redirected to the service provider’s call centre. Strangest of things, it was an Indian accent that greeted me. I was first read out a disclaimer notice cum terms of service. This went on and on. It was all gobbledygook. I was as attentive as I would be while ticking the check box that says “ I accept” while installing free software in my laptop or while the pretty stewardess rattles off safety instructions about how to get put on thee life jacket in the unlikely event of the flight landing on water. (Just imagine last thoughts at the time of hurling down 30000 feet from the sky towards the sea! It wouldn’t be God, meaning of life, wife, kids etc but one would surely wish one had listened more attentively to the pretty stewardess). So finally I have accepted a service which has more complex terms than a prenuptial agreement with Elizabeth Taylor on her 13th marriage and am on a service which gives 150 minutes of some kind of prepaid messaging (which later turns out to be applicable only if the other party is also a proud owner of a prepaid phone!! fat chance!!!) some bonus money, (no idea what it means) and some talk time(of only thirty minutes). I made a few calls/ sent a few messages to give my coordinates and found out that the service has died out and it has become due for another $30 recharge. (Imagine! That's more than a thousand bucks in India: for that kind of money one could keep talking endlessly) I recharged again. I made a local call to talk on an international prepaid card. Again another $30 went bust. Again I recharged. This time I was careful. But it didn’t last long. On a holiday, I connected it to my laptop to check my mail. (On working days I access from the University, where we can browse for free-wifi) I must have been online for a few seconds. It said that my service needs to be recharged. I rang up to the service provider. The guy with an Indian accent explained all the components of the service package. I understood the accent and language perfectly, but again it made no sense to me. But I could pretty much figure out that for about 120$ per month you can’t talk too long on a prepaid card. It makes sense to decide that you are going to talk a lot and go for broke on a post paid plan- which again is quite complex if you read the fine print!!!.
I went back to the first service provider. I explained my problem about proof of address. Since most of the numbers I call are on this service, I hoped that my bills would be lower. I have spent close to $120 on a prepaid service and was shocked at how little I could use for that kind of money. They said that I could go to my Bank, show my passport and get a letter showing my address. That was a brain wave! I didn’t know that one could get a proof of address just like that. In India it could be quite a torment with several instances of terrorists finding houses for rent.The banks in India could be extra cautious in changing your address. I did as advised and am on a 30$ monthly cap. I still use the phone sparingly.
The next experience was in getting my home wired up with internet and landline. I remembered my phone experience and decided to do some research before plunging into a service. As usual, several options of services were bundled into groups which would give a few gigabytes of data download, some talk time etc. I went into a website which is some kind of a chat room for customers (in which many Trojans from the service providers are also present guiding distraught members and putting in a kind word for some service or the other). I zeroed in on my plan with a service provider. Options are - One could buy a modem from them (in which case they charge 400 $) or fix my own modem (then it is $150, although no services are provided; it is some kind of an installation charge, in which the entire installation will be done by the customer!!!). They explained that the wiring which exists at my premises belongs to Telstra (originally a government company) and to divert it to the service provider it costs some money and time (something like 15 to 30 days). I signed up. But I couldn’t wait so long since my University course assignment need internet access quite a lot. So I bought a wireless USB modem from my mobile service provider also ($129 for the modem and &29 per month for 5GB download of data per month).
I started shopping around for a modem which was wireless and could take in a voip(voice on internet protocol) telephone (without a separate box for it). I went to the big electronics dealers in Canberra and stated my requirement. There were puzzled looks all around. Somebody better informed is called- he confirms that I can’t get it there. This experience repeated in 3-4 shops. Then I finally decided to go back to the service provider ask them for advice as to which modem to buy. I gave several model numbers (gleaned from the internet). They said they would not be able to give their advice regarding compatibility model wise. They gave some generic advice which made little sense. They can guarantee only their supported modem (the 400$ one) I recollected seeing complaints in the chat room about their supported modem. Recalled someone complaining that no support is provided by service provider- complaints are only redirected to the modem manufacturer. So what if I buy their 400$ modem? Fine, they said no problem but you have to give shipping address. It will be delivered between 9Am to 5 PM in your residence. Since I spend the entire day at the university, could you dispatch it to some shop or post office in Canberra ? I will pick up from there. Sorry, no go. I gave up. It is too expensive anyway.
I started shopping for modems on internet. Finally identified a modem from the original manufacturer in China for $97, got it shipped to the University and installed it myself. Net savings $400- 150 -97= $153. The service is OK. We get 16GB download per month and a naked DSL phone (no nudity involved- it only means that it is not a traditional phone. This works on the broadband channel and is free for calls within Australia. And it is cheap for international calls too). This whole process took me more than 2 months. It would have taken me 3 days max in India.
Mobile operators bundle their service with a phone. So if you want a blackberry service, it is necessary that you have to have a minimum spend per month for a sufficiently long period. This is the story in the west also. India, with its fuzzy addresses and identities has shotgun service. Nothing is kept for later. No relationships are built. If you don’t like our service discontinue and go elsewhere. No disclaimers are read out. Service begins when money is put up. Here service begins after disclaimers and liabilities are read out to the prospective customer. Back home who cares about disclaimers? If you want to move courts for deficiency of service you are welcome to do that. Prepare to wait for 20 years for justice. It makes life a bit easier for service providers and a bit uncomplicated for customers. Service is not couched in vague sounding packages which ultimately do not mean much.
Heard a Bangladeshi student disenchanted with communication services asking a faculty member whether your country is really developed? He said things are much better back home. I understand that the famous Grameen Bank (micro credit pioneer) has a mobile service also which is cheap and popular!!
Sunday 29 March 2009
Tuesday 24 March 2009
Politicians dancing
I can relate to the time when my music died. I think it is when ZZTop came on the scene. What a name , I thought, And I stopped listening to new bands looming in the horizon, some flickering brightly for some time and dying out, some going on to make a name. I can’t remember when. May be the late 80s or early 90s. I heard a young college graduate raving about ZZTop and I thought this is it. No more. I realize that many good bands did come out after ZZ Top. There are some which made an impression by sheer power of music or lyrics. But for me ZZTop was a defining moment. Before ZZ Top- a time when I listened to new and upcoming bands and after - when the music stuck in the grove and died. Completely.
So, I said to myself: don’t blame yourself for not hearing of Midnight Oil. It has a tall gentleman with a shaven pate mouthing lyrics like he had something round and fluffy stuffed inside his mouth. He is Peter Garett, the lead singer of the band. And presently the Honourable Minister for Environment in the Australian Federal Government- A government of Labour persuasion. I was surprised to learn that the Midnight oil has been on the scene since 1973. So it fails the ZZ Top test. How come I didn’t hear them? I would listen to Radio Australia on the short wave in my village in Palghat, Kerala in the early eighties. I remember the Air supply, REO speedwagon, Blondie, Police and Culture club. Around 2 PM everyday a programme called countdown with recent songs are played. On Saturdays and Sundays the Australian hits and international hits are played. I remember the voice of Jill Williams, the announcer, talking smoothly in her Australian twang- the words just escaping into the room.
This band was before ZZ Top and you hadn’t heard of it, I told myself. Peter Garett quit the band in 2002. He was a campaigner for Environment- fighting to save whales, against US bases, against unexplained wars and other bleeding-heart causes. He has retained his nothing-to-hide hairstyle and has completed a smooth transition from Rock music to politics. (Number of metallic rings pierced and tattoos embossed into private parts are not yet known to public). The Honourable Minister went on stage recently in the midst of his onerous responsibilities to raise funds for the victims of the Victorian Bushfire.
In a performance reminiscent of his glory days he strutted around stage, tall and strapping. In his day job he wears a suit. In this avatar, he wore golden shirt half open and loose trousers. And the money poured in for the Victorian bushfires. Vital statistics of the tragedy was amusing from the Indian perspective- an area of 250000 hectares were burnt down in bush fires. Loss of lives? 250. That describes what a vast and under populated continent this is. Minor fires in a small mohalla in the Indian hinterland can result in a much higher body count.
It is good to have Ministers with music in their hearts. I wish we had them back home. And some bureaucrats too. Just to loosen up the atmosphere a bit………..y’know
You can watch Peter Garett performing “Short memory” at this YouTube link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgukduYJZ44
***************************************************
A few days back we woke up with a start. We had our day off. Chathu had to be packed to school. It was getting to be six AM and I was just about to wake up. There was a loud crash in the hall and the sound of glass breaking. A big mirror and two vases fell from a height and there were broken glass pieces all around the hall. For a moment I thought it was an earthquake. Then I wondered whether someone had thrown a stone to our house. A racist attack? Anyway the fall was mysterious triggering speculation from Chathu that there could be a ghost in the house. The Missus was shattered. She had gone to great lengths to keep the house clean and orderly. Now this… no one would even believe that something like this could happen just like that – without any external force or stimuli. Maybe the mirror was resting on the vases for a long time and we hadn’t noticed.
I sent a mail to my landlord explaining the situation. She was very cool and understanding about it. She and her husband came around to reassure us. They told us not to bother about replacing the mirror and the vases. But it still rankles us. We will be at peace only if we replace the whole thing. Our landlords had given us a place to live when things were looking bad. I wouldn’t like them to suffer even a small loss for their gesture.
***********************************************
Chathu came home last month saying that he is one of the toppers in Mathematics in class. Normally, this ought to be music to a parent’s ears. Instead I panicked. He was poor in the subject back home in India and he has worked hard on it. Still he is not good enough compared to the average Indian 9th standard CBSE student.
So I went through his textbooks, class notes, compared with CBSE syllabus etc. My conclusions were amusing. The Aussie curriculum places a lot of emphasis on applications. While the Indian curriculum is mostly rote learning- without explaining why the hell do problems need to be solved. The Aussie curriculum is also less demanding in terms of complexity of sums to be solved. I am not competent to teach him the subject anymore: so he is on his own in pretty much every subject. Back home every kid is sweating it out to outrun everyone else. It is more relaxed here.
So I decided to take it easy. Maybe he will be a misfit when he gets back home. I am still hoping that this experience would be fulfilling. Maybe he will come back here and make a life someday. I would surely be glad if he does that.
So, I said to myself: don’t blame yourself for not hearing of Midnight Oil. It has a tall gentleman with a shaven pate mouthing lyrics like he had something round and fluffy stuffed inside his mouth. He is Peter Garett, the lead singer of the band. And presently the Honourable Minister for Environment in the Australian Federal Government- A government of Labour persuasion. I was surprised to learn that the Midnight oil has been on the scene since 1973. So it fails the ZZ Top test. How come I didn’t hear them? I would listen to Radio Australia on the short wave in my village in Palghat, Kerala in the early eighties. I remember the Air supply, REO speedwagon, Blondie, Police and Culture club. Around 2 PM everyday a programme called countdown with recent songs are played. On Saturdays and Sundays the Australian hits and international hits are played. I remember the voice of Jill Williams, the announcer, talking smoothly in her Australian twang- the words just escaping into the room.
This band was before ZZ Top and you hadn’t heard of it, I told myself. Peter Garett quit the band in 2002. He was a campaigner for Environment- fighting to save whales, against US bases, against unexplained wars and other bleeding-heart causes. He has retained his nothing-to-hide hairstyle and has completed a smooth transition from Rock music to politics. (Number of metallic rings pierced and tattoos embossed into private parts are not yet known to public). The Honourable Minister went on stage recently in the midst of his onerous responsibilities to raise funds for the victims of the Victorian Bushfire.
In a performance reminiscent of his glory days he strutted around stage, tall and strapping. In his day job he wears a suit. In this avatar, he wore golden shirt half open and loose trousers. And the money poured in for the Victorian bushfires. Vital statistics of the tragedy was amusing from the Indian perspective- an area of 250000 hectares were burnt down in bush fires. Loss of lives? 250. That describes what a vast and under populated continent this is. Minor fires in a small mohalla in the Indian hinterland can result in a much higher body count.
It is good to have Ministers with music in their hearts. I wish we had them back home. And some bureaucrats too. Just to loosen up the atmosphere a bit………..y’know
You can watch Peter Garett performing “Short memory” at this YouTube link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgukduYJZ44
***************************************************
A few days back we woke up with a start. We had our day off. Chathu had to be packed to school. It was getting to be six AM and I was just about to wake up. There was a loud crash in the hall and the sound of glass breaking. A big mirror and two vases fell from a height and there were broken glass pieces all around the hall. For a moment I thought it was an earthquake. Then I wondered whether someone had thrown a stone to our house. A racist attack? Anyway the fall was mysterious triggering speculation from Chathu that there could be a ghost in the house. The Missus was shattered. She had gone to great lengths to keep the house clean and orderly. Now this… no one would even believe that something like this could happen just like that – without any external force or stimuli. Maybe the mirror was resting on the vases for a long time and we hadn’t noticed.
I sent a mail to my landlord explaining the situation. She was very cool and understanding about it. She and her husband came around to reassure us. They told us not to bother about replacing the mirror and the vases. But it still rankles us. We will be at peace only if we replace the whole thing. Our landlords had given us a place to live when things were looking bad. I wouldn’t like them to suffer even a small loss for their gesture.
***********************************************
Chathu came home last month saying that he is one of the toppers in Mathematics in class. Normally, this ought to be music to a parent’s ears. Instead I panicked. He was poor in the subject back home in India and he has worked hard on it. Still he is not good enough compared to the average Indian 9th standard CBSE student.
So I went through his textbooks, class notes, compared with CBSE syllabus etc. My conclusions were amusing. The Aussie curriculum places a lot of emphasis on applications. While the Indian curriculum is mostly rote learning- without explaining why the hell do problems need to be solved. The Aussie curriculum is also less demanding in terms of complexity of sums to be solved. I am not competent to teach him the subject anymore: so he is on his own in pretty much every subject. Back home every kid is sweating it out to outrun everyone else. It is more relaxed here.
So I decided to take it easy. Maybe he will be a misfit when he gets back home. I am still hoping that this experience would be fulfilling. Maybe he will come back here and make a life someday. I would surely be glad if he does that.
Monday 9 March 2009
Recession letters
Dear Sir,
Meetings with mutual funds and merchant bankers in the last few days have been extremely disappointing. As you are aware the outlook for next 25 quarters indicates a downturn in the fortunes of our company. This has been reinforced by the recent steep fall in the share prices and the persistent unwillingness of creditors to extend more working capital for operations. The sundry debtors’ position is alarming and the company has been drawing into its’ meager accumulated reserves. Our earlier reputation as global leaders in digital media is in tatters.
Our registrars have come up with some interesting information which has led to this offer to you. It is learnt that you have been buying the shares of this company in small lots at every price point from Rs 573 to Rs 25. It is seen that you have placed much of your trust in the fortunes of this company and its’ future prospects, which I myself as a promoter, am unwilling to share in spite of having added millions to my fortunes in the past, just running this company. Even more surprising is that you are a Govt- salary-earning Babu with an unexplained and innocent faith in the non conventional energy business to which our company has made forays sometime back. Even after losing so much of your hard earned money in this company, it is heartening to note that you are willing to buy even more shares and at present you are the second largest shareholder after me. (I have cashed out just prior to the depression in January 2008). We are offering you the post of Chairman & Managing Director of this company and its’ sister concerns. I request you to steer these companies through dwindling fortunes in foreseeable times.
Well, to be truthful, before we made this offer, we did a little bit digging into your personal life. We are convinced that a man like you at the top with your qualities and eccentricities would be ideal to pilot this company through troubled times. For instance
(a) You are given to frugal living partly due to your miserable salary and partly out of sheer habit fortified by long years of impoverished existence as a Govt servant
(b) You are habitually suspicious of any item of expenditure exceeding Rs 2 and paise fifty on the Government account and are given to launching prolonged investigations into whether such expenditure was avoidable and if so, given to issuing long memos and notices advising caution and forbidding such expenses in future.
(c) You have no personal means of transportation, having sold your old Maruti Zen for a song due to financial troubles and a strange persistence not to contribute carbon footprints to Delhi’s polluted skyline. You are looking forward to journeys to Office in crowded DTC and Blue Line buses in Delhi. It is learnt that you have taken tetanus injections as a precaution to avoid infections that might be caused by rusted nails piercing your bottom in the unlikely event of your finding a seat in any of these crowded buses during office hours.
(d) You are inherently distrustful of well dressed smooth talking management types giving sales pitch with power point presentations- partly out of jealousy and partly since they never seem to give up.
(e) You own 5734 shares in our company which are worth nothing in present count. These shares have been accumulated by you by paying for them from your pitiable salary over the last five and a half years. The shares have been accumulated by you in small lots ranging from 2 to 25 in a mind-boggling total of 754 transactions. And these shares are held in dematerialized form and would not even come in handy as tissues or toilet rolls in an exigency.
This offer is made considering all the above factors and after conducting several brainstorming sessions with the Board of Directors. We request you to indicate your willingness to take over the position from the first of Apirl 2009. As the terms of your appointment annexed to this letter indicate, you will be offered only stock options and no salary for the first three years of your tenure. I shall be stepping down from this position on March 31 2009 and taking a well deserved break in Switzerland with family.
Meetings with mutual funds and merchant bankers in the last few days have been extremely disappointing. As you are aware the outlook for next 25 quarters indicates a downturn in the fortunes of our company. This has been reinforced by the recent steep fall in the share prices and the persistent unwillingness of creditors to extend more working capital for operations. The sundry debtors’ position is alarming and the company has been drawing into its’ meager accumulated reserves. Our earlier reputation as global leaders in digital media is in tatters.
Our registrars have come up with some interesting information which has led to this offer to you. It is learnt that you have been buying the shares of this company in small lots at every price point from Rs 573 to Rs 25. It is seen that you have placed much of your trust in the fortunes of this company and its’ future prospects, which I myself as a promoter, am unwilling to share in spite of having added millions to my fortunes in the past, just running this company. Even more surprising is that you are a Govt- salary-earning Babu with an unexplained and innocent faith in the non conventional energy business to which our company has made forays sometime back. Even after losing so much of your hard earned money in this company, it is heartening to note that you are willing to buy even more shares and at present you are the second largest shareholder after me. (I have cashed out just prior to the depression in January 2008). We are offering you the post of Chairman & Managing Director of this company and its’ sister concerns. I request you to steer these companies through dwindling fortunes in foreseeable times.
Well, to be truthful, before we made this offer, we did a little bit digging into your personal life. We are convinced that a man like you at the top with your qualities and eccentricities would be ideal to pilot this company through troubled times. For instance
(a) You are given to frugal living partly due to your miserable salary and partly out of sheer habit fortified by long years of impoverished existence as a Govt servant
(b) You are habitually suspicious of any item of expenditure exceeding Rs 2 and paise fifty on the Government account and are given to launching prolonged investigations into whether such expenditure was avoidable and if so, given to issuing long memos and notices advising caution and forbidding such expenses in future.
(c) You have no personal means of transportation, having sold your old Maruti Zen for a song due to financial troubles and a strange persistence not to contribute carbon footprints to Delhi’s polluted skyline. You are looking forward to journeys to Office in crowded DTC and Blue Line buses in Delhi. It is learnt that you have taken tetanus injections as a precaution to avoid infections that might be caused by rusted nails piercing your bottom in the unlikely event of your finding a seat in any of these crowded buses during office hours.
(d) You are inherently distrustful of well dressed smooth talking management types giving sales pitch with power point presentations- partly out of jealousy and partly since they never seem to give up.
(e) You own 5734 shares in our company which are worth nothing in present count. These shares have been accumulated by you by paying for them from your pitiable salary over the last five and a half years. The shares have been accumulated by you in small lots ranging from 2 to 25 in a mind-boggling total of 754 transactions. And these shares are held in dematerialized form and would not even come in handy as tissues or toilet rolls in an exigency.
This offer is made considering all the above factors and after conducting several brainstorming sessions with the Board of Directors. We request you to indicate your willingness to take over the position from the first of Apirl 2009. As the terms of your appointment annexed to this letter indicate, you will be offered only stock options and no salary for the first three years of your tenure. I shall be stepping down from this position on March 31 2009 and taking a well deserved break in Switzerland with family.
Yours Sincerely
Anjan Sury
Chairman & Managing Director
Mocha and Breaker Solar
Ludhiana
Dear Surendran Pandarathil,
We have been facing dwindling sales in the last few months and have launched a sales campaign to sell some of the items which have been categorized as slow moving stocks in our Online Books and Music store. We have done some discreet data mining and have learnt that these items have been browsed by you more than 1265 times and on several occasions you have gone as far as to giving credit card details but then cancelled the transactions at the last moment. These are
1. Complete works of Eric Hobsbawm, the Historian who has written lengthy tomes of leftist leaning history of the twentieth century
2. Collectors set of 236 books written on World War II, including “Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” autographed by William Shirer himself
3. Complete works of John Mortimer featuring Rumpole of the Bailey, stories of a quirky penurious barrister in London
4. All the CDs of Leonard Cohen, Peter Paul and Mary, Grateful Dead in jewel cases. Some basement tapes, Newport Folk festival live and DVDs of documentaries on these bands are thrown in for free.
5. 120 back issues of Playboy.
All the above at the unbelievable price of Rs 50 is yours. Kindly fill in your credit card details and mail it back to us in the envelope enclosed herewith. You could even pay in 10 EMIs of Rs 5 each. While we realize that the entire set may contain some books or music you have purchased in the past from us, we would suggest that you can keep the extra set to gift friends and relatives on important occasions like marriages, engagements and birthdays.
Yours Sincerely
Anurag Varma
Vice President- Sales
Anjan Sury
Chairman & Managing Director
Mocha and Breaker Solar
Ludhiana
Dear Surendran Pandarathil,
We have been facing dwindling sales in the last few months and have launched a sales campaign to sell some of the items which have been categorized as slow moving stocks in our Online Books and Music store. We have done some discreet data mining and have learnt that these items have been browsed by you more than 1265 times and on several occasions you have gone as far as to giving credit card details but then cancelled the transactions at the last moment. These are
1. Complete works of Eric Hobsbawm, the Historian who has written lengthy tomes of leftist leaning history of the twentieth century
2. Collectors set of 236 books written on World War II, including “Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” autographed by William Shirer himself
3. Complete works of John Mortimer featuring Rumpole of the Bailey, stories of a quirky penurious barrister in London
4. All the CDs of Leonard Cohen, Peter Paul and Mary, Grateful Dead in jewel cases. Some basement tapes, Newport Folk festival live and DVDs of documentaries on these bands are thrown in for free.
5. 120 back issues of Playboy.
All the above at the unbelievable price of Rs 50 is yours. Kindly fill in your credit card details and mail it back to us in the envelope enclosed herewith. You could even pay in 10 EMIs of Rs 5 each. While we realize that the entire set may contain some books or music you have purchased in the past from us, we would suggest that you can keep the extra set to gift friends and relatives on important occasions like marriages, engagements and birthdays.
Yours Sincerely
Anurag Varma
Vice President- Sales
Indiabay.com
PS. Imagine your son, Chathu getting an invite for birthday of Brat next door who is proficient in Need for Speed Level 8. Chathu presents him a nice gift packed copy of Aerial Dogfights of World War II along with a Leonard Cohen CD. Brat’s parents are impressed with Chathu. Brat swears lifelong enmity with Chathu. Isn’t it a win-win situation?
Dear Surendran Pandarathil,
We are happy to inform you that you have won the New South Wales Lottery for AUS $ 2.5 Million. Yes- we are aware you have never taken lottery tickets in your life.(except for that one occasion when a one armed boy persuaded you to take one in Ernakulam KSRTC Bus Stand on the plea that the commission on sale of one ticket would be able to feed his entire family for one full day) These days pretty much nobody buys lottery tickets also. So we sorta did the draw against a data base of names supplied by M/S Google Inc and the pointer sorta stopped at your name. No-you need not send $250 as processing charges. No, you don’t have to furnish your Bank Account Number. No- this is not an email racket or a phishing scam. Just send us your correct address in the stamped envelope addressed to us and we shall send the cheque in the mail. No, the cheque won’t bounce.
Yours Sincerely
Austin Powers,
New South Wales Lottery, Sydney, Australia
Dear Suren
We have carefully considered your application for membership to the Canberra Harley Davidson Devils on wheels Motor cycling club. We regret to inform that you do not fit into the profile of our existing members who are typically white, barely educated, well muscled, long-haired and seasonally employed males. It is true that in the past, during boom times, we have relaxed our entry norms and have admitted Chinese Opticians and Indian Dentists into our exclusive club. Those were times when membership was dwindling and some wealthy nerds have offered a large contribution to the club in return for membership just to impress their girlfriends. But we no more admit them since the recession has brought in a large number of white, barely educated, ripplingly muscled, long haired males who have been laid off by merchant banks and Consulting companies. They only need to mothball their business suits and get into leather jackets. Sorry mate. Wait for better times.
Hairy Sam
Harley Davidsons’ Devils on wheels motorcycling club
Canberra
PS. Imagine your son, Chathu getting an invite for birthday of Brat next door who is proficient in Need for Speed Level 8. Chathu presents him a nice gift packed copy of Aerial Dogfights of World War II along with a Leonard Cohen CD. Brat’s parents are impressed with Chathu. Brat swears lifelong enmity with Chathu. Isn’t it a win-win situation?
Dear Surendran Pandarathil,
We are happy to inform you that you have won the New South Wales Lottery for AUS $ 2.5 Million. Yes- we are aware you have never taken lottery tickets in your life.(except for that one occasion when a one armed boy persuaded you to take one in Ernakulam KSRTC Bus Stand on the plea that the commission on sale of one ticket would be able to feed his entire family for one full day) These days pretty much nobody buys lottery tickets also. So we sorta did the draw against a data base of names supplied by M/S Google Inc and the pointer sorta stopped at your name. No-you need not send $250 as processing charges. No, you don’t have to furnish your Bank Account Number. No- this is not an email racket or a phishing scam. Just send us your correct address in the stamped envelope addressed to us and we shall send the cheque in the mail. No, the cheque won’t bounce.
Yours Sincerely
Austin Powers,
New South Wales Lottery, Sydney, Australia
Dear Suren
We have carefully considered your application for membership to the Canberra Harley Davidson Devils on wheels Motor cycling club. We regret to inform that you do not fit into the profile of our existing members who are typically white, barely educated, well muscled, long-haired and seasonally employed males. It is true that in the past, during boom times, we have relaxed our entry norms and have admitted Chinese Opticians and Indian Dentists into our exclusive club. Those were times when membership was dwindling and some wealthy nerds have offered a large contribution to the club in return for membership just to impress their girlfriends. But we no more admit them since the recession has brought in a large number of white, barely educated, ripplingly muscled, long haired males who have been laid off by merchant banks and Consulting companies. They only need to mothball their business suits and get into leather jackets. Sorry mate. Wait for better times.
Hairy Sam
Harley Davidsons’ Devils on wheels motorcycling club
Canberra
Friday 6 March 2009
Reading in ACT
Updating this blog doesn’t give pleasure like it used to. Earlier, I had to sneak a few moments from a busy life to write something: there was a sense of achievement. There was also the vicarious pleasure in writing senseless stuff for a largely non- existent audience. I cheekily admit that the readership of this blog is not pitiable as it used to be. But no one leaves comments- which is understandable. Would you like the whole world to know that you have time for reading this trivial stuff? You could get consigned to an institution if people know about it. So I understand secretiveness. But I get calls and emails with feedback. But now life is easy and there is no sense of achievement in having written some senseless trivia in the middle of a humorless bureaucratic existence. And this blog is no more competing for honours for the least read blog this side of Suez.
But there are faceless readers who dissect every word.
“Shakeela in the 80s? You must be joking” my young friend said. The reference is to one of the old posts, written, posted and forgotten. I realized that Shakeela appeared in Malayalam films only in 90s after I left college.
“ I know that I exaggerate, it is only for effect, forgive me” I said
“Get your facts right” she said “and “I am waiting for the next post soon”
So truly there are those who read it and tell me that they are eager to read it. And tell me how it is bluntly. I am grateful to them. Some said I write well. Some said you are OK, but wish you weren’t too verbose. Could do with some style and grammatical consistency (never was my strong point) Read Elements of Style, by Strunk and White, a thin volume that teaches you how to write, they advise. I read five pages and went to sleep. Is it any use telling me how to use conjunctions, adverbs, propositions and pronouns when I don’t even vaguely know what they mean? Surprisingly the readership is largely female. Men, understandably have no time for such nonsense. I know, women have more endurance, they have more capability for suffering…. except the Missus, a voracious reader herself. She has no time for this stuff. She tolerates enough of me every day, I suppose. Don’t thrust the written stuff also, she says.
But I have lots of time on my hands. Classes happen twice a week in the first semester. One could even bunk them and listen to the web tutorials. There are periodic assignments in 1000 or 2000 words. They need to be submitted in what is known as the Crawford style. (I am a student of the Crawford School of Policy and Governance in the Australian National University and my class is a mini- UN with Govt Officials in all shapes, sizes and colours from all around the world.) The Crawford style is something like the Harvard style of quoting references in the write up and mentioning them as footnotes in a certain convoluted fashion. The assignments take less time. Linking the references take a mighty long time. Even after all that, the Professors/Tutors are not satisfied. You write well, my Tutor said. Your usage of language is literary, not academic. But pay attention to details. Your referencing is hopeless. Chided, I came out. I don’t want to write another word. Not for this blog, not another assignment. When I go back to Delhi, I swear not to write a single remark in any file that comes my way. I shall claim to be suffering from a very serious shivering of hands, a condition normally associated with alcoholics. No, I shall not write, even if I am assured the Man Hooker prize for old, withering non fiction writers in South Asia and Polynesian Islands.
So I read. In the last few days I have read a lot of stuff. I read the remaining books written by Vincent Lardo in the Mc Nally series, Mc Nally’s Dare and Mc Nally’s bluff. I read J D Robb, Sci Fi crime set in 2050s. I am reading the kind of Books I always wish I had time for. I reread a lot of stuff. Like Peter Mayle and his culinary adventures in France, Dave Barry, Ian Rankin and I suspect soon you might find me re reading Secret Seven and Famous Five books from a distant past.
So how do I find books? That is the best part. The ACT (Australian Capital Territory)Government has a series of libraries and any resident can become a member. He need not fill up forms, pay security deposit, and prove identity, nothing. Cost? Zip, Zilch, Zero. You can borrow thirty books and DVDs and keep them up to three weeks. You can go online and check what books are held in any of their network of libraries and place a request. Within 2-3 days the book arrives in your friendly neighbourhood library, for you to pick up. An SMS comes to your phone saying that the book is ready and waiting for you. The library is a large, comfortable, well lit place with rows and rows of books & periodicals and it contains many computers for browsing the internet. In winter months it is said to be the refuge for the homeless since the large hall has cushioned chairs and the place is centrally heated. No one is turned away. If you are waiting for someone and have time to kill, the library is the place for you. And they are conveniently located near the Bus interchanges. You can return books just by pushing them into the chute. You can take books by just placing your library card and the books in a barcode scanner in the self check system. I just love this place. Whoever thought of this network truly had some sense about raising a literate community. Whether they succeeded in it or not is questionable but there is opportunity for every citizen to turn himself into a well read person. I haven’t seen many young Australians in these places. Patrons are mostly old doddering citizens who spend their days doing nothing but reading. And if you are too old to make it to the library, they also have mobile vans that go to neighboring suburbs, carrying books.
The other source of books is the University which also has many libraries which contain many books. But they are serious stuff like “Aboriginal History of South Queensland 1650-1700”. I am not inclined to torture myself with that stuff and I haven’t started research into any of that. Incidentally, Robin Jeffrey, the famous Canadian academic who wrote on the decline of Nayars in Kerala is in this University. I propose to meet him one day. During my college days, the Malayalam periodicals were full of analysis of his book.
But there are faceless readers who dissect every word.
“Shakeela in the 80s? You must be joking” my young friend said. The reference is to one of the old posts, written, posted and forgotten. I realized that Shakeela appeared in Malayalam films only in 90s after I left college.
“ I know that I exaggerate, it is only for effect, forgive me” I said
“Get your facts right” she said “and “I am waiting for the next post soon”
So truly there are those who read it and tell me that they are eager to read it. And tell me how it is bluntly. I am grateful to them. Some said I write well. Some said you are OK, but wish you weren’t too verbose. Could do with some style and grammatical consistency (never was my strong point) Read Elements of Style, by Strunk and White, a thin volume that teaches you how to write, they advise. I read five pages and went to sleep. Is it any use telling me how to use conjunctions, adverbs, propositions and pronouns when I don’t even vaguely know what they mean? Surprisingly the readership is largely female. Men, understandably have no time for such nonsense. I know, women have more endurance, they have more capability for suffering…. except the Missus, a voracious reader herself. She has no time for this stuff. She tolerates enough of me every day, I suppose. Don’t thrust the written stuff also, she says.
But I have lots of time on my hands. Classes happen twice a week in the first semester. One could even bunk them and listen to the web tutorials. There are periodic assignments in 1000 or 2000 words. They need to be submitted in what is known as the Crawford style. (I am a student of the Crawford School of Policy and Governance in the Australian National University and my class is a mini- UN with Govt Officials in all shapes, sizes and colours from all around the world.) The Crawford style is something like the Harvard style of quoting references in the write up and mentioning them as footnotes in a certain convoluted fashion. The assignments take less time. Linking the references take a mighty long time. Even after all that, the Professors/Tutors are not satisfied. You write well, my Tutor said. Your usage of language is literary, not academic. But pay attention to details. Your referencing is hopeless. Chided, I came out. I don’t want to write another word. Not for this blog, not another assignment. When I go back to Delhi, I swear not to write a single remark in any file that comes my way. I shall claim to be suffering from a very serious shivering of hands, a condition normally associated with alcoholics. No, I shall not write, even if I am assured the Man Hooker prize for old, withering non fiction writers in South Asia and Polynesian Islands.
So I read. In the last few days I have read a lot of stuff. I read the remaining books written by Vincent Lardo in the Mc Nally series, Mc Nally’s Dare and Mc Nally’s bluff. I read J D Robb, Sci Fi crime set in 2050s. I am reading the kind of Books I always wish I had time for. I reread a lot of stuff. Like Peter Mayle and his culinary adventures in France, Dave Barry, Ian Rankin and I suspect soon you might find me re reading Secret Seven and Famous Five books from a distant past.
So how do I find books? That is the best part. The ACT (Australian Capital Territory)Government has a series of libraries and any resident can become a member. He need not fill up forms, pay security deposit, and prove identity, nothing. Cost? Zip, Zilch, Zero. You can borrow thirty books and DVDs and keep them up to three weeks. You can go online and check what books are held in any of their network of libraries and place a request. Within 2-3 days the book arrives in your friendly neighbourhood library, for you to pick up. An SMS comes to your phone saying that the book is ready and waiting for you. The library is a large, comfortable, well lit place with rows and rows of books & periodicals and it contains many computers for browsing the internet. In winter months it is said to be the refuge for the homeless since the large hall has cushioned chairs and the place is centrally heated. No one is turned away. If you are waiting for someone and have time to kill, the library is the place for you. And they are conveniently located near the Bus interchanges. You can return books just by pushing them into the chute. You can take books by just placing your library card and the books in a barcode scanner in the self check system. I just love this place. Whoever thought of this network truly had some sense about raising a literate community. Whether they succeeded in it or not is questionable but there is opportunity for every citizen to turn himself into a well read person. I haven’t seen many young Australians in these places. Patrons are mostly old doddering citizens who spend their days doing nothing but reading. And if you are too old to make it to the library, they also have mobile vans that go to neighboring suburbs, carrying books.
The other source of books is the University which also has many libraries which contain many books. But they are serious stuff like “Aboriginal History of South Queensland 1650-1700”. I am not inclined to torture myself with that stuff and I haven’t started research into any of that. Incidentally, Robin Jeffrey, the famous Canadian academic who wrote on the decline of Nayars in Kerala is in this University. I propose to meet him one day. During my college days, the Malayalam periodicals were full of analysis of his book.
After I retire, I propose to contest elections for Panchayat Member and if I win, I swear to set up libraries in my village which are at least half as good as the ACT ones. And I shall vote only for those who promise to set up libraries in every neighbourhood.
Tuesday 3 March 2009
Explaining India
Conversation with Australians always veers around to explaining the motherland in intelligible language. I assume my best TV presenter persona (with a bald pate I look anything but that), making strange gestures with hands like kneading and rolling dough for making roomali rotis for dinner. Here are some real crappy answers to earnest questions from white men
1. What is India ?
Umm.. Ugh..India is a Kaleidoscope. You shake every time and view, you see a new splash of design and collage of colours.
India is a state of mind, a feeling that primarily exists in the minds of its’ inhabitants. Yet there are many who don’t feel part of it despite living within its’ physical boundaries. An Indian could be different in every respect from the guy living 50 kms away within India as he is from you living 5000 kms across oceans.
India is also an open toilet. We don’t wait for the nearest secluded place to relieve ourselves. While most of our homes in jhuggis and chawls are linked by satellite TVs and mobile phones, we are still short of sanitation, running water and toilet facilities there. Since there are too many people, it is not easy to fix this problem unless the masses are relocated out of cities with their livelihood, alternate livelihoods planned, newer cities are planned and older cities are rebuilt.
India is a cultural powerhouse. The next century might see the soft power of India dominating global discourse- Just as the Europeans and Americans did in the last century. I don’t see the Chinese doing that. So bet on India. We might yet become a great country in spite of its’ crappy politicians and insincere bureaucrats.
2. How do you guys aspire to become a superpower if you don’t have toilets and running water in your homes in cities? Why don’t you fix that before aspiring for superpower status ?
Who said we need toilets and running water to become a superpower? Wasn’t 16th century London a bigger mess than 21st century Bombay?
The aspiring superpower business is largely in the minds of young somethings working as Investment bankers or software code writers in US of A. They are joined by some media organizations. The young somethings would like to belong to a country better than Nigeria or Pakistan and the media organizations would like to sell the feel good factor to get gullible luxury goods advertising and ensnare a yuppie readership. For the majority of Indians life is too busy to worry about superpower status. Now fixing toilets is a job for urban planners, architects, sanitary workers, educationists, politicians, NGOs and most importantly bureaucrats. They are too busy with other problems of survival in the hot Indian reality. Ever tried facing a crowd of 5000 slumdwellers advising them to relocate or change their ways of garbage disposal or sanitation ? Not an easy task, m’boy
3. Are the slums in slumdog millionaire real ? Or are they meant to give an exaggerated sense of Indian reality ?
I haven’t seen SDM. Sitting in Australia I am outnumbered by those who have seen it. I have read the book when it was just published. If you have read it you should know it is a caricature of Indian reality. It gives me pride that the author is a member of the Indian civil service (albeit the elite part of it) Yeah slums exist and I am sure parts of it are far worse than what is portrayed by Danny Boyle. Rahman is great by any international yardstick. Yet he represents the wonder that is India.
4. Why is the subcontinent becoming a haven for terrorists ?
I don’t want to explain this to someone who sees the subcontinent signifying little more than a particular colour of skin. India has more Muslims living in peace than Pakistan and Afghanistan put together. Still we are tarnished by the same brush as them. I object to this line of questioning. (I make gestures to walk out but am pacified by the host). You guys will never understand the complexity that is India. India has a better track record at tolerating diverse ideologies than any other country in the developing world. Look at our neighbours. Till now Pakistan was surrendering other people’s territory to fundamentalists (Afghanistan & Kashmir). Now they have surrendered their own (Swat) I hope it isn’t the beginning of the end and truly wish the subcontinent will become an oasis of peace and prosperity.
5. So I see you are not a Muslim. Are you a cow worshipping Hindu ?
I was born to Hindu parents and am not a believer since I was 11 years of age. I have so far not been excommunicated from my religion or my family for my beliefs. And there are plenty like me back home. I come from a state where Christians and Muslims together probably outnumber Hindus. When I was eating out in restaurants in Cochin while working in a bank, the cheapest Non vegetarian fare was Chilly beef and I have had lots of it. In recent years I can claim not to have eaten Indian cows. One can’t be sure of what one partakes in dinners on foreign junkets. Beef is not common in most parts of India because it affects the religious sensibilities of Hindus. I am sure pork and ham are not popular in Saudi Arabia. It would be tough to ban beef in many parts of India. Cows are not exactly worshipped in India; rather they are let loose on the streets for motor vehicles to avoid colliding with.
6. What is a Hindu ?
That’s a tough one. It is a way of life with 330 million gods and goddesses. There are all kinds of them. And I am not going to attempt to explain it. It has a great repository of scriptures that gives tremendous scope for all kinds of interpretations. I am glad that I don’t belong to a country that believes in one god, worship at fixed times, follows strange codes of a distant past, wears clean clothes, walk on grassy knolls on footpaths and speak in hushed civilized tones. We are a loud boisterous country which celebrates life in all its’ vicissitudes. How boring it would be to live like you!!!
7. What are bollywood movies ?
They are basically movies where handsome guys and pretty gals, shake hips in synchronous fashion and break into song at the most inopportune moment. Eg. Dead body of husband is laid out and the widow in white sari breaks into song, children of the deceased join in the chorus. The industry provides livelihood to thousands and attracts viewership in strange lands. It has also spawned a worship industry of the kinkiest kind. Temples are erected in the names of living curvaceous actresses. They will most probably be added to the 330 million Hindu goddesses one day.
8. What about your politics ?
They have even greater entertainment potential than Bollywood movies- if you have an eye for the eerie nature of the dramas on the Indian political firmament and the quirks of the practitioners of it. Ultimately, politics is a microcosm of Indian society. The caste system is in operation in politics as in every field in India. The first generation politician has to make his mark with a lot of hard work. Great oratorical skills, ability to rub shoulders with the underworld, tremendous stamina to participate in Dharnas and rallies under the cruel sun are needed. If you are born to the right family, the road to political relevance could be smoother and faster. You could get somewhere without losing your complexion or wearing out your Hush Puppies. Apply plenty of sunscreen anyway. The profession has a boring dress code, but you are welcome to experiment. Guys have got away with fur caps to hide their bald pates and dark glasses to hide bloodshot eyes throughout their political careers. It helps to pretend that you never went to school even if you have done your masters from Harvard.
9. What about your bureaucracy /
Last heard, there are several bureaucrats sharpening their knives and waiting for an opportunity to sink it in my back for the uncharitable comments I have passed on my ilk in my blog. So no comments!! Let me try to make my peace. I have to live with them for the rest of my career.
10. Why do you guys try to migrate to western lands if your country is poised to be great ?
There are two kinds of migrations in modern times. The brainy ones and the Southall kind. You have got to be smart to attract the brainy kind. Look at the US. Indians of a different genre have been attracted; they have done well and are probably the most influential immigrant group out there (after the Jewish, of course). The other kind is the Southall types who could be lumped with the rest of the subcontinent. They migrate to distant lands in search of livelihood. They have immense capacity for hard work but are limited by minimal education and opportunities back home.
I see that Australia has categorized India as a nation from where immigration potential is highest and hence several visa restrictions have been put in place. You don’t attract many of the real brainy ones from India (believe me, there are lots of them). I also see that someone from Belgium or Greece (read white skin) would face fewer difficulties getting a visa to Australia since the immigration potential is lowest. When is the last time you saw a hot shot doctor or scientist from these two countries? Really, you ought to rethink your immigration code. You have attracted a lot of Southall types from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. Good for these countries. Apart from giving livelihood to unwashed thousands, they also send foreign currency remittances back home. Don’t blame them for trying to gain a foothold in your country to drive your cars or tidy your houses. Your country could do with a lot more people. We could do with less of them.
Thank you….. No worries Mayte!!!
1. What is India ?
Umm.. Ugh..India is a Kaleidoscope. You shake every time and view, you see a new splash of design and collage of colours.
India is a state of mind, a feeling that primarily exists in the minds of its’ inhabitants. Yet there are many who don’t feel part of it despite living within its’ physical boundaries. An Indian could be different in every respect from the guy living 50 kms away within India as he is from you living 5000 kms across oceans.
India is also an open toilet. We don’t wait for the nearest secluded place to relieve ourselves. While most of our homes in jhuggis and chawls are linked by satellite TVs and mobile phones, we are still short of sanitation, running water and toilet facilities there. Since there are too many people, it is not easy to fix this problem unless the masses are relocated out of cities with their livelihood, alternate livelihoods planned, newer cities are planned and older cities are rebuilt.
India is a cultural powerhouse. The next century might see the soft power of India dominating global discourse- Just as the Europeans and Americans did in the last century. I don’t see the Chinese doing that. So bet on India. We might yet become a great country in spite of its’ crappy politicians and insincere bureaucrats.
2. How do you guys aspire to become a superpower if you don’t have toilets and running water in your homes in cities? Why don’t you fix that before aspiring for superpower status ?
Who said we need toilets and running water to become a superpower? Wasn’t 16th century London a bigger mess than 21st century Bombay?
The aspiring superpower business is largely in the minds of young somethings working as Investment bankers or software code writers in US of A. They are joined by some media organizations. The young somethings would like to belong to a country better than Nigeria or Pakistan and the media organizations would like to sell the feel good factor to get gullible luxury goods advertising and ensnare a yuppie readership. For the majority of Indians life is too busy to worry about superpower status. Now fixing toilets is a job for urban planners, architects, sanitary workers, educationists, politicians, NGOs and most importantly bureaucrats. They are too busy with other problems of survival in the hot Indian reality. Ever tried facing a crowd of 5000 slumdwellers advising them to relocate or change their ways of garbage disposal or sanitation ? Not an easy task, m’boy
3. Are the slums in slumdog millionaire real ? Or are they meant to give an exaggerated sense of Indian reality ?
I haven’t seen SDM. Sitting in Australia I am outnumbered by those who have seen it. I have read the book when it was just published. If you have read it you should know it is a caricature of Indian reality. It gives me pride that the author is a member of the Indian civil service (albeit the elite part of it) Yeah slums exist and I am sure parts of it are far worse than what is portrayed by Danny Boyle. Rahman is great by any international yardstick. Yet he represents the wonder that is India.
4. Why is the subcontinent becoming a haven for terrorists ?
I don’t want to explain this to someone who sees the subcontinent signifying little more than a particular colour of skin. India has more Muslims living in peace than Pakistan and Afghanistan put together. Still we are tarnished by the same brush as them. I object to this line of questioning. (I make gestures to walk out but am pacified by the host). You guys will never understand the complexity that is India. India has a better track record at tolerating diverse ideologies than any other country in the developing world. Look at our neighbours. Till now Pakistan was surrendering other people’s territory to fundamentalists (Afghanistan & Kashmir). Now they have surrendered their own (Swat) I hope it isn’t the beginning of the end and truly wish the subcontinent will become an oasis of peace and prosperity.
5. So I see you are not a Muslim. Are you a cow worshipping Hindu ?
I was born to Hindu parents and am not a believer since I was 11 years of age. I have so far not been excommunicated from my religion or my family for my beliefs. And there are plenty like me back home. I come from a state where Christians and Muslims together probably outnumber Hindus. When I was eating out in restaurants in Cochin while working in a bank, the cheapest Non vegetarian fare was Chilly beef and I have had lots of it. In recent years I can claim not to have eaten Indian cows. One can’t be sure of what one partakes in dinners on foreign junkets. Beef is not common in most parts of India because it affects the religious sensibilities of Hindus. I am sure pork and ham are not popular in Saudi Arabia. It would be tough to ban beef in many parts of India. Cows are not exactly worshipped in India; rather they are let loose on the streets for motor vehicles to avoid colliding with.
6. What is a Hindu ?
That’s a tough one. It is a way of life with 330 million gods and goddesses. There are all kinds of them. And I am not going to attempt to explain it. It has a great repository of scriptures that gives tremendous scope for all kinds of interpretations. I am glad that I don’t belong to a country that believes in one god, worship at fixed times, follows strange codes of a distant past, wears clean clothes, walk on grassy knolls on footpaths and speak in hushed civilized tones. We are a loud boisterous country which celebrates life in all its’ vicissitudes. How boring it would be to live like you!!!
7. What are bollywood movies ?
They are basically movies where handsome guys and pretty gals, shake hips in synchronous fashion and break into song at the most inopportune moment. Eg. Dead body of husband is laid out and the widow in white sari breaks into song, children of the deceased join in the chorus. The industry provides livelihood to thousands and attracts viewership in strange lands. It has also spawned a worship industry of the kinkiest kind. Temples are erected in the names of living curvaceous actresses. They will most probably be added to the 330 million Hindu goddesses one day.
8. What about your politics ?
They have even greater entertainment potential than Bollywood movies- if you have an eye for the eerie nature of the dramas on the Indian political firmament and the quirks of the practitioners of it. Ultimately, politics is a microcosm of Indian society. The caste system is in operation in politics as in every field in India. The first generation politician has to make his mark with a lot of hard work. Great oratorical skills, ability to rub shoulders with the underworld, tremendous stamina to participate in Dharnas and rallies under the cruel sun are needed. If you are born to the right family, the road to political relevance could be smoother and faster. You could get somewhere without losing your complexion or wearing out your Hush Puppies. Apply plenty of sunscreen anyway. The profession has a boring dress code, but you are welcome to experiment. Guys have got away with fur caps to hide their bald pates and dark glasses to hide bloodshot eyes throughout their political careers. It helps to pretend that you never went to school even if you have done your masters from Harvard.
9. What about your bureaucracy /
Last heard, there are several bureaucrats sharpening their knives and waiting for an opportunity to sink it in my back for the uncharitable comments I have passed on my ilk in my blog. So no comments!! Let me try to make my peace. I have to live with them for the rest of my career.
10. Why do you guys try to migrate to western lands if your country is poised to be great ?
There are two kinds of migrations in modern times. The brainy ones and the Southall kind. You have got to be smart to attract the brainy kind. Look at the US. Indians of a different genre have been attracted; they have done well and are probably the most influential immigrant group out there (after the Jewish, of course). The other kind is the Southall types who could be lumped with the rest of the subcontinent. They migrate to distant lands in search of livelihood. They have immense capacity for hard work but are limited by minimal education and opportunities back home.
I see that Australia has categorized India as a nation from where immigration potential is highest and hence several visa restrictions have been put in place. You don’t attract many of the real brainy ones from India (believe me, there are lots of them). I also see that someone from Belgium or Greece (read white skin) would face fewer difficulties getting a visa to Australia since the immigration potential is lowest. When is the last time you saw a hot shot doctor or scientist from these two countries? Really, you ought to rethink your immigration code. You have attracted a lot of Southall types from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. Good for these countries. Apart from giving livelihood to unwashed thousands, they also send foreign currency remittances back home. Don’t blame them for trying to gain a foothold in your country to drive your cars or tidy your houses. Your country could do with a lot more people. We could do with less of them.
Thank you….. No worries Mayte!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)