Dear Sir,
Meetings with mutual funds and merchant bankers in the last few days have been extremely disappointing. As you are aware the outlook for next 25 quarters indicates a downturn in the fortunes of our company. This has been reinforced by the recent steep fall in the share prices and the persistent unwillingness of creditors to extend more working capital for operations. The sundry debtors’ position is alarming and the company has been drawing into its’ meager accumulated reserves. Our earlier reputation as global leaders in digital media is in tatters.
Our registrars have come up with some interesting information which has led to this offer to you. It is learnt that you have been buying the shares of this company in small lots at every price point from Rs 573 to Rs 25. It is seen that you have placed much of your trust in the fortunes of this company and its’ future prospects, which I myself as a promoter, am unwilling to share in spite of having added millions to my fortunes in the past, just running this company. Even more surprising is that you are a Govt- salary-earning Babu with an unexplained and innocent faith in the non conventional energy business to which our company has made forays sometime back. Even after losing so much of your hard earned money in this company, it is heartening to note that you are willing to buy even more shares and at present you are the second largest shareholder after me. (I have cashed out just prior to the depression in January 2008). We are offering you the post of Chairman & Managing Director of this company and its’ sister concerns. I request you to steer these companies through dwindling fortunes in foreseeable times.
Well, to be truthful, before we made this offer, we did a little bit digging into your personal life. We are convinced that a man like you at the top with your qualities and eccentricities would be ideal to pilot this company through troubled times. For instance
(a) You are given to frugal living partly due to your miserable salary and partly out of sheer habit fortified by long years of impoverished existence as a Govt servant
(b) You are habitually suspicious of any item of expenditure exceeding Rs 2 and paise fifty on the Government account and are given to launching prolonged investigations into whether such expenditure was avoidable and if so, given to issuing long memos and notices advising caution and forbidding such expenses in future.
(c) You have no personal means of transportation, having sold your old Maruti Zen for a song due to financial troubles and a strange persistence not to contribute carbon footprints to Delhi’s polluted skyline. You are looking forward to journeys to Office in crowded DTC and Blue Line buses in Delhi. It is learnt that you have taken tetanus injections as a precaution to avoid infections that might be caused by rusted nails piercing your bottom in the unlikely event of your finding a seat in any of these crowded buses during office hours.
(d) You are inherently distrustful of well dressed smooth talking management types giving sales pitch with power point presentations- partly out of jealousy and partly since they never seem to give up.
(e) You own 5734 shares in our company which are worth nothing in present count. These shares have been accumulated by you by paying for them from your pitiable salary over the last five and a half years. The shares have been accumulated by you in small lots ranging from 2 to 25 in a mind-boggling total of 754 transactions. And these shares are held in dematerialized form and would not even come in handy as tissues or toilet rolls in an exigency.
This offer is made considering all the above factors and after conducting several brainstorming sessions with the Board of Directors. We request you to indicate your willingness to take over the position from the first of Apirl 2009. As the terms of your appointment annexed to this letter indicate, you will be offered only stock options and no salary for the first three years of your tenure. I shall be stepping down from this position on March 31 2009 and taking a well deserved break in Switzerland with family.
Meetings with mutual funds and merchant bankers in the last few days have been extremely disappointing. As you are aware the outlook for next 25 quarters indicates a downturn in the fortunes of our company. This has been reinforced by the recent steep fall in the share prices and the persistent unwillingness of creditors to extend more working capital for operations. The sundry debtors’ position is alarming and the company has been drawing into its’ meager accumulated reserves. Our earlier reputation as global leaders in digital media is in tatters.
Our registrars have come up with some interesting information which has led to this offer to you. It is learnt that you have been buying the shares of this company in small lots at every price point from Rs 573 to Rs 25. It is seen that you have placed much of your trust in the fortunes of this company and its’ future prospects, which I myself as a promoter, am unwilling to share in spite of having added millions to my fortunes in the past, just running this company. Even more surprising is that you are a Govt- salary-earning Babu with an unexplained and innocent faith in the non conventional energy business to which our company has made forays sometime back. Even after losing so much of your hard earned money in this company, it is heartening to note that you are willing to buy even more shares and at present you are the second largest shareholder after me. (I have cashed out just prior to the depression in January 2008). We are offering you the post of Chairman & Managing Director of this company and its’ sister concerns. I request you to steer these companies through dwindling fortunes in foreseeable times.
Well, to be truthful, before we made this offer, we did a little bit digging into your personal life. We are convinced that a man like you at the top with your qualities and eccentricities would be ideal to pilot this company through troubled times. For instance
(a) You are given to frugal living partly due to your miserable salary and partly out of sheer habit fortified by long years of impoverished existence as a Govt servant
(b) You are habitually suspicious of any item of expenditure exceeding Rs 2 and paise fifty on the Government account and are given to launching prolonged investigations into whether such expenditure was avoidable and if so, given to issuing long memos and notices advising caution and forbidding such expenses in future.
(c) You have no personal means of transportation, having sold your old Maruti Zen for a song due to financial troubles and a strange persistence not to contribute carbon footprints to Delhi’s polluted skyline. You are looking forward to journeys to Office in crowded DTC and Blue Line buses in Delhi. It is learnt that you have taken tetanus injections as a precaution to avoid infections that might be caused by rusted nails piercing your bottom in the unlikely event of your finding a seat in any of these crowded buses during office hours.
(d) You are inherently distrustful of well dressed smooth talking management types giving sales pitch with power point presentations- partly out of jealousy and partly since they never seem to give up.
(e) You own 5734 shares in our company which are worth nothing in present count. These shares have been accumulated by you by paying for them from your pitiable salary over the last five and a half years. The shares have been accumulated by you in small lots ranging from 2 to 25 in a mind-boggling total of 754 transactions. And these shares are held in dematerialized form and would not even come in handy as tissues or toilet rolls in an exigency.
This offer is made considering all the above factors and after conducting several brainstorming sessions with the Board of Directors. We request you to indicate your willingness to take over the position from the first of Apirl 2009. As the terms of your appointment annexed to this letter indicate, you will be offered only stock options and no salary for the first three years of your tenure. I shall be stepping down from this position on March 31 2009 and taking a well deserved break in Switzerland with family.
Yours Sincerely
Anjan Sury
Chairman & Managing Director
Mocha and Breaker Solar
Ludhiana
Dear Surendran Pandarathil,
We have been facing dwindling sales in the last few months and have launched a sales campaign to sell some of the items which have been categorized as slow moving stocks in our Online Books and Music store. We have done some discreet data mining and have learnt that these items have been browsed by you more than 1265 times and on several occasions you have gone as far as to giving credit card details but then cancelled the transactions at the last moment. These are
1. Complete works of Eric Hobsbawm, the Historian who has written lengthy tomes of leftist leaning history of the twentieth century
2. Collectors set of 236 books written on World War II, including “Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” autographed by William Shirer himself
3. Complete works of John Mortimer featuring Rumpole of the Bailey, stories of a quirky penurious barrister in London
4. All the CDs of Leonard Cohen, Peter Paul and Mary, Grateful Dead in jewel cases. Some basement tapes, Newport Folk festival live and DVDs of documentaries on these bands are thrown in for free.
5. 120 back issues of Playboy.
All the above at the unbelievable price of Rs 50 is yours. Kindly fill in your credit card details and mail it back to us in the envelope enclosed herewith. You could even pay in 10 EMIs of Rs 5 each. While we realize that the entire set may contain some books or music you have purchased in the past from us, we would suggest that you can keep the extra set to gift friends and relatives on important occasions like marriages, engagements and birthdays.
Yours Sincerely
Anurag Varma
Vice President- Sales
Anjan Sury
Chairman & Managing Director
Mocha and Breaker Solar
Ludhiana
Dear Surendran Pandarathil,
We have been facing dwindling sales in the last few months and have launched a sales campaign to sell some of the items which have been categorized as slow moving stocks in our Online Books and Music store. We have done some discreet data mining and have learnt that these items have been browsed by you more than 1265 times and on several occasions you have gone as far as to giving credit card details but then cancelled the transactions at the last moment. These are
1. Complete works of Eric Hobsbawm, the Historian who has written lengthy tomes of leftist leaning history of the twentieth century
2. Collectors set of 236 books written on World War II, including “Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” autographed by William Shirer himself
3. Complete works of John Mortimer featuring Rumpole of the Bailey, stories of a quirky penurious barrister in London
4. All the CDs of Leonard Cohen, Peter Paul and Mary, Grateful Dead in jewel cases. Some basement tapes, Newport Folk festival live and DVDs of documentaries on these bands are thrown in for free.
5. 120 back issues of Playboy.
All the above at the unbelievable price of Rs 50 is yours. Kindly fill in your credit card details and mail it back to us in the envelope enclosed herewith. You could even pay in 10 EMIs of Rs 5 each. While we realize that the entire set may contain some books or music you have purchased in the past from us, we would suggest that you can keep the extra set to gift friends and relatives on important occasions like marriages, engagements and birthdays.
Yours Sincerely
Anurag Varma
Vice President- Sales
Indiabay.com
PS. Imagine your son, Chathu getting an invite for birthday of Brat next door who is proficient in Need for Speed Level 8. Chathu presents him a nice gift packed copy of Aerial Dogfights of World War II along with a Leonard Cohen CD. Brat’s parents are impressed with Chathu. Brat swears lifelong enmity with Chathu. Isn’t it a win-win situation?
Dear Surendran Pandarathil,
We are happy to inform you that you have won the New South Wales Lottery for AUS $ 2.5 Million. Yes- we are aware you have never taken lottery tickets in your life.(except for that one occasion when a one armed boy persuaded you to take one in Ernakulam KSRTC Bus Stand on the plea that the commission on sale of one ticket would be able to feed his entire family for one full day) These days pretty much nobody buys lottery tickets also. So we sorta did the draw against a data base of names supplied by M/S Google Inc and the pointer sorta stopped at your name. No-you need not send $250 as processing charges. No, you don’t have to furnish your Bank Account Number. No- this is not an email racket or a phishing scam. Just send us your correct address in the stamped envelope addressed to us and we shall send the cheque in the mail. No, the cheque won’t bounce.
Yours Sincerely
Austin Powers,
New South Wales Lottery, Sydney, Australia
Dear Suren
We have carefully considered your application for membership to the Canberra Harley Davidson Devils on wheels Motor cycling club. We regret to inform that you do not fit into the profile of our existing members who are typically white, barely educated, well muscled, long-haired and seasonally employed males. It is true that in the past, during boom times, we have relaxed our entry norms and have admitted Chinese Opticians and Indian Dentists into our exclusive club. Those were times when membership was dwindling and some wealthy nerds have offered a large contribution to the club in return for membership just to impress their girlfriends. But we no more admit them since the recession has brought in a large number of white, barely educated, ripplingly muscled, long haired males who have been laid off by merchant banks and Consulting companies. They only need to mothball their business suits and get into leather jackets. Sorry mate. Wait for better times.
Hairy Sam
Harley Davidsons’ Devils on wheels motorcycling club
Canberra
PS. Imagine your son, Chathu getting an invite for birthday of Brat next door who is proficient in Need for Speed Level 8. Chathu presents him a nice gift packed copy of Aerial Dogfights of World War II along with a Leonard Cohen CD. Brat’s parents are impressed with Chathu. Brat swears lifelong enmity with Chathu. Isn’t it a win-win situation?
Dear Surendran Pandarathil,
We are happy to inform you that you have won the New South Wales Lottery for AUS $ 2.5 Million. Yes- we are aware you have never taken lottery tickets in your life.(except for that one occasion when a one armed boy persuaded you to take one in Ernakulam KSRTC Bus Stand on the plea that the commission on sale of one ticket would be able to feed his entire family for one full day) These days pretty much nobody buys lottery tickets also. So we sorta did the draw against a data base of names supplied by M/S Google Inc and the pointer sorta stopped at your name. No-you need not send $250 as processing charges. No, you don’t have to furnish your Bank Account Number. No- this is not an email racket or a phishing scam. Just send us your correct address in the stamped envelope addressed to us and we shall send the cheque in the mail. No, the cheque won’t bounce.
Yours Sincerely
Austin Powers,
New South Wales Lottery, Sydney, Australia
Dear Suren
We have carefully considered your application for membership to the Canberra Harley Davidson Devils on wheels Motor cycling club. We regret to inform that you do not fit into the profile of our existing members who are typically white, barely educated, well muscled, long-haired and seasonally employed males. It is true that in the past, during boom times, we have relaxed our entry norms and have admitted Chinese Opticians and Indian Dentists into our exclusive club. Those were times when membership was dwindling and some wealthy nerds have offered a large contribution to the club in return for membership just to impress their girlfriends. But we no more admit them since the recession has brought in a large number of white, barely educated, ripplingly muscled, long haired males who have been laid off by merchant banks and Consulting companies. They only need to mothball their business suits and get into leather jackets. Sorry mate. Wait for better times.
Hairy Sam
Harley Davidsons’ Devils on wheels motorcycling club
Canberra
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