Conversation with Australians always veers around to explaining the motherland in intelligible language. I assume my best TV presenter persona (with a bald pate I look anything but that), making strange gestures with hands like kneading and rolling dough for making roomali rotis for dinner. Here are some real crappy answers to earnest questions from white men
1. What is India ?
Umm.. Ugh..India is a Kaleidoscope. You shake every time and view, you see a new splash of design and collage of colours.
India is a state of mind, a feeling that primarily exists in the minds of its’ inhabitants. Yet there are many who don’t feel part of it despite living within its’ physical boundaries. An Indian could be different in every respect from the guy living 50 kms away within India as he is from you living 5000 kms across oceans.
India is also an open toilet. We don’t wait for the nearest secluded place to relieve ourselves. While most of our homes in jhuggis and chawls are linked by satellite TVs and mobile phones, we are still short of sanitation, running water and toilet facilities there. Since there are too many people, it is not easy to fix this problem unless the masses are relocated out of cities with their livelihood, alternate livelihoods planned, newer cities are planned and older cities are rebuilt.
India is a cultural powerhouse. The next century might see the soft power of India dominating global discourse- Just as the Europeans and Americans did in the last century. I don’t see the Chinese doing that. So bet on India. We might yet become a great country in spite of its’ crappy politicians and insincere bureaucrats.
2. How do you guys aspire to become a superpower if you don’t have toilets and running water in your homes in cities? Why don’t you fix that before aspiring for superpower status ?
Who said we need toilets and running water to become a superpower? Wasn’t 16th century London a bigger mess than 21st century Bombay?
The aspiring superpower business is largely in the minds of young somethings working as Investment bankers or software code writers in US of A. They are joined by some media organizations. The young somethings would like to belong to a country better than Nigeria or Pakistan and the media organizations would like to sell the feel good factor to get gullible luxury goods advertising and ensnare a yuppie readership. For the majority of Indians life is too busy to worry about superpower status. Now fixing toilets is a job for urban planners, architects, sanitary workers, educationists, politicians, NGOs and most importantly bureaucrats. They are too busy with other problems of survival in the hot Indian reality. Ever tried facing a crowd of 5000 slumdwellers advising them to relocate or change their ways of garbage disposal or sanitation ? Not an easy task, m’boy
3. Are the slums in slumdog millionaire real ? Or are they meant to give an exaggerated sense of Indian reality ?
I haven’t seen SDM. Sitting in Australia I am outnumbered by those who have seen it. I have read the book when it was just published. If you have read it you should know it is a caricature of Indian reality. It gives me pride that the author is a member of the Indian civil service (albeit the elite part of it) Yeah slums exist and I am sure parts of it are far worse than what is portrayed by Danny Boyle. Rahman is great by any international yardstick. Yet he represents the wonder that is India.
4. Why is the subcontinent becoming a haven for terrorists ?
I don’t want to explain this to someone who sees the subcontinent signifying little more than a particular colour of skin. India has more Muslims living in peace than Pakistan and Afghanistan put together. Still we are tarnished by the same brush as them. I object to this line of questioning. (I make gestures to walk out but am pacified by the host). You guys will never understand the complexity that is India. India has a better track record at tolerating diverse ideologies than any other country in the developing world. Look at our neighbours. Till now Pakistan was surrendering other people’s territory to fundamentalists (Afghanistan & Kashmir). Now they have surrendered their own (Swat) I hope it isn’t the beginning of the end and truly wish the subcontinent will become an oasis of peace and prosperity.
5. So I see you are not a Muslim. Are you a cow worshipping Hindu ?
I was born to Hindu parents and am not a believer since I was 11 years of age. I have so far not been excommunicated from my religion or my family for my beliefs. And there are plenty like me back home. I come from a state where Christians and Muslims together probably outnumber Hindus. When I was eating out in restaurants in Cochin while working in a bank, the cheapest Non vegetarian fare was Chilly beef and I have had lots of it. In recent years I can claim not to have eaten Indian cows. One can’t be sure of what one partakes in dinners on foreign junkets. Beef is not common in most parts of India because it affects the religious sensibilities of Hindus. I am sure pork and ham are not popular in Saudi Arabia. It would be tough to ban beef in many parts of India. Cows are not exactly worshipped in India; rather they are let loose on the streets for motor vehicles to avoid colliding with.
6. What is a Hindu ?
That’s a tough one. It is a way of life with 330 million gods and goddesses. There are all kinds of them. And I am not going to attempt to explain it. It has a great repository of scriptures that gives tremendous scope for all kinds of interpretations. I am glad that I don’t belong to a country that believes in one god, worship at fixed times, follows strange codes of a distant past, wears clean clothes, walk on grassy knolls on footpaths and speak in hushed civilized tones. We are a loud boisterous country which celebrates life in all its’ vicissitudes. How boring it would be to live like you!!!
7. What are bollywood movies ?
They are basically movies where handsome guys and pretty gals, shake hips in synchronous fashion and break into song at the most inopportune moment. Eg. Dead body of husband is laid out and the widow in white sari breaks into song, children of the deceased join in the chorus. The industry provides livelihood to thousands and attracts viewership in strange lands. It has also spawned a worship industry of the kinkiest kind. Temples are erected in the names of living curvaceous actresses. They will most probably be added to the 330 million Hindu goddesses one day.
8. What about your politics ?
They have even greater entertainment potential than Bollywood movies- if you have an eye for the eerie nature of the dramas on the Indian political firmament and the quirks of the practitioners of it. Ultimately, politics is a microcosm of Indian society. The caste system is in operation in politics as in every field in India. The first generation politician has to make his mark with a lot of hard work. Great oratorical skills, ability to rub shoulders with the underworld, tremendous stamina to participate in Dharnas and rallies under the cruel sun are needed. If you are born to the right family, the road to political relevance could be smoother and faster. You could get somewhere without losing your complexion or wearing out your Hush Puppies. Apply plenty of sunscreen anyway. The profession has a boring dress code, but you are welcome to experiment. Guys have got away with fur caps to hide their bald pates and dark glasses to hide bloodshot eyes throughout their political careers. It helps to pretend that you never went to school even if you have done your masters from Harvard.
9. What about your bureaucracy /
Last heard, there are several bureaucrats sharpening their knives and waiting for an opportunity to sink it in my back for the uncharitable comments I have passed on my ilk in my blog. So no comments!! Let me try to make my peace. I have to live with them for the rest of my career.
10. Why do you guys try to migrate to western lands if your country is poised to be great ?
There are two kinds of migrations in modern times. The brainy ones and the Southall kind. You have got to be smart to attract the brainy kind. Look at the US. Indians of a different genre have been attracted; they have done well and are probably the most influential immigrant group out there (after the Jewish, of course). The other kind is the Southall types who could be lumped with the rest of the subcontinent. They migrate to distant lands in search of livelihood. They have immense capacity for hard work but are limited by minimal education and opportunities back home.
I see that Australia has categorized India as a nation from where immigration potential is highest and hence several visa restrictions have been put in place. You don’t attract many of the real brainy ones from India (believe me, there are lots of them). I also see that someone from Belgium or Greece (read white skin) would face fewer difficulties getting a visa to Australia since the immigration potential is lowest. When is the last time you saw a hot shot doctor or scientist from these two countries? Really, you ought to rethink your immigration code. You have attracted a lot of Southall types from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. Good for these countries. Apart from giving livelihood to unwashed thousands, they also send foreign currency remittances back home. Don’t blame them for trying to gain a foothold in your country to drive your cars or tidy your houses. Your country could do with a lot more people. We could do with less of them.
Thank you….. No worries Mayte!!!
1. What is India ?
Umm.. Ugh..India is a Kaleidoscope. You shake every time and view, you see a new splash of design and collage of colours.
India is a state of mind, a feeling that primarily exists in the minds of its’ inhabitants. Yet there are many who don’t feel part of it despite living within its’ physical boundaries. An Indian could be different in every respect from the guy living 50 kms away within India as he is from you living 5000 kms across oceans.
India is also an open toilet. We don’t wait for the nearest secluded place to relieve ourselves. While most of our homes in jhuggis and chawls are linked by satellite TVs and mobile phones, we are still short of sanitation, running water and toilet facilities there. Since there are too many people, it is not easy to fix this problem unless the masses are relocated out of cities with their livelihood, alternate livelihoods planned, newer cities are planned and older cities are rebuilt.
India is a cultural powerhouse. The next century might see the soft power of India dominating global discourse- Just as the Europeans and Americans did in the last century. I don’t see the Chinese doing that. So bet on India. We might yet become a great country in spite of its’ crappy politicians and insincere bureaucrats.
2. How do you guys aspire to become a superpower if you don’t have toilets and running water in your homes in cities? Why don’t you fix that before aspiring for superpower status ?
Who said we need toilets and running water to become a superpower? Wasn’t 16th century London a bigger mess than 21st century Bombay?
The aspiring superpower business is largely in the minds of young somethings working as Investment bankers or software code writers in US of A. They are joined by some media organizations. The young somethings would like to belong to a country better than Nigeria or Pakistan and the media organizations would like to sell the feel good factor to get gullible luxury goods advertising and ensnare a yuppie readership. For the majority of Indians life is too busy to worry about superpower status. Now fixing toilets is a job for urban planners, architects, sanitary workers, educationists, politicians, NGOs and most importantly bureaucrats. They are too busy with other problems of survival in the hot Indian reality. Ever tried facing a crowd of 5000 slumdwellers advising them to relocate or change their ways of garbage disposal or sanitation ? Not an easy task, m’boy
3. Are the slums in slumdog millionaire real ? Or are they meant to give an exaggerated sense of Indian reality ?
I haven’t seen SDM. Sitting in Australia I am outnumbered by those who have seen it. I have read the book when it was just published. If you have read it you should know it is a caricature of Indian reality. It gives me pride that the author is a member of the Indian civil service (albeit the elite part of it) Yeah slums exist and I am sure parts of it are far worse than what is portrayed by Danny Boyle. Rahman is great by any international yardstick. Yet he represents the wonder that is India.
4. Why is the subcontinent becoming a haven for terrorists ?
I don’t want to explain this to someone who sees the subcontinent signifying little more than a particular colour of skin. India has more Muslims living in peace than Pakistan and Afghanistan put together. Still we are tarnished by the same brush as them. I object to this line of questioning. (I make gestures to walk out but am pacified by the host). You guys will never understand the complexity that is India. India has a better track record at tolerating diverse ideologies than any other country in the developing world. Look at our neighbours. Till now Pakistan was surrendering other people’s territory to fundamentalists (Afghanistan & Kashmir). Now they have surrendered their own (Swat) I hope it isn’t the beginning of the end and truly wish the subcontinent will become an oasis of peace and prosperity.
5. So I see you are not a Muslim. Are you a cow worshipping Hindu ?
I was born to Hindu parents and am not a believer since I was 11 years of age. I have so far not been excommunicated from my religion or my family for my beliefs. And there are plenty like me back home. I come from a state where Christians and Muslims together probably outnumber Hindus. When I was eating out in restaurants in Cochin while working in a bank, the cheapest Non vegetarian fare was Chilly beef and I have had lots of it. In recent years I can claim not to have eaten Indian cows. One can’t be sure of what one partakes in dinners on foreign junkets. Beef is not common in most parts of India because it affects the religious sensibilities of Hindus. I am sure pork and ham are not popular in Saudi Arabia. It would be tough to ban beef in many parts of India. Cows are not exactly worshipped in India; rather they are let loose on the streets for motor vehicles to avoid colliding with.
6. What is a Hindu ?
That’s a tough one. It is a way of life with 330 million gods and goddesses. There are all kinds of them. And I am not going to attempt to explain it. It has a great repository of scriptures that gives tremendous scope for all kinds of interpretations. I am glad that I don’t belong to a country that believes in one god, worship at fixed times, follows strange codes of a distant past, wears clean clothes, walk on grassy knolls on footpaths and speak in hushed civilized tones. We are a loud boisterous country which celebrates life in all its’ vicissitudes. How boring it would be to live like you!!!
7. What are bollywood movies ?
They are basically movies where handsome guys and pretty gals, shake hips in synchronous fashion and break into song at the most inopportune moment. Eg. Dead body of husband is laid out and the widow in white sari breaks into song, children of the deceased join in the chorus. The industry provides livelihood to thousands and attracts viewership in strange lands. It has also spawned a worship industry of the kinkiest kind. Temples are erected in the names of living curvaceous actresses. They will most probably be added to the 330 million Hindu goddesses one day.
8. What about your politics ?
They have even greater entertainment potential than Bollywood movies- if you have an eye for the eerie nature of the dramas on the Indian political firmament and the quirks of the practitioners of it. Ultimately, politics is a microcosm of Indian society. The caste system is in operation in politics as in every field in India. The first generation politician has to make his mark with a lot of hard work. Great oratorical skills, ability to rub shoulders with the underworld, tremendous stamina to participate in Dharnas and rallies under the cruel sun are needed. If you are born to the right family, the road to political relevance could be smoother and faster. You could get somewhere without losing your complexion or wearing out your Hush Puppies. Apply plenty of sunscreen anyway. The profession has a boring dress code, but you are welcome to experiment. Guys have got away with fur caps to hide their bald pates and dark glasses to hide bloodshot eyes throughout their political careers. It helps to pretend that you never went to school even if you have done your masters from Harvard.
9. What about your bureaucracy /
Last heard, there are several bureaucrats sharpening their knives and waiting for an opportunity to sink it in my back for the uncharitable comments I have passed on my ilk in my blog. So no comments!! Let me try to make my peace. I have to live with them for the rest of my career.
10. Why do you guys try to migrate to western lands if your country is poised to be great ?
There are two kinds of migrations in modern times. The brainy ones and the Southall kind. You have got to be smart to attract the brainy kind. Look at the US. Indians of a different genre have been attracted; they have done well and are probably the most influential immigrant group out there (after the Jewish, of course). The other kind is the Southall types who could be lumped with the rest of the subcontinent. They migrate to distant lands in search of livelihood. They have immense capacity for hard work but are limited by minimal education and opportunities back home.
I see that Australia has categorized India as a nation from where immigration potential is highest and hence several visa restrictions have been put in place. You don’t attract many of the real brainy ones from India (believe me, there are lots of them). I also see that someone from Belgium or Greece (read white skin) would face fewer difficulties getting a visa to Australia since the immigration potential is lowest. When is the last time you saw a hot shot doctor or scientist from these two countries? Really, you ought to rethink your immigration code. You have attracted a lot of Southall types from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. Good for these countries. Apart from giving livelihood to unwashed thousands, they also send foreign currency remittances back home. Don’t blame them for trying to gain a foothold in your country to drive your cars or tidy your houses. Your country could do with a lot more people. We could do with less of them.
Thank you….. No worries Mayte!!!
1 comment:
hi mate
u drinking too many cool aide,or
too much foster, i have no idea.
southal guy
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